WARNING EXTRA LONG AND BORING RAMBLINGS OF A STUPID GIRL. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO READ. just the rambling of someone reminding herself not to do something stupid. wrote for myself leaving important detail out and fine detail of non important things. Save yourself the time :).
I could have loved you. I did love you but not I wanted to love you. I wanted to love you like those been together forever couples, the couples with graying hair but have been together since their youth. A true live that doesn’t fade but grows with time. Comfortable love. The kind of love you know is there and don’t need reassuring. Love that’s happy just being together, not needing to do something “special” every week. Going out, spending money on silly things. I’ve always the best times were free anyhow. There was a time when I thought “our” love was getting there… well actually “mine” because I truly don’t know what you felt. But my love was growing. We had a lot in common. Had some really good times but even staying in and doing nothing was good. I adored (and still do) your parents. I love your nephews. I’m not crazy about your brother only because he talks so much shit about me but I always kept that to myself to keep any drama down. Was friends with his wife. Things were good. Things felt right. Then things happened and it began to diminish. I didn’t see it at first but some things I thought I could get over, but I carried them with me. I couldn’t keep going through those bad moments. when we fought you recovered easily but i didn’t. Those bad feelings ran into the next week for me. Sometimes i would write it off and tell myself i didn’t care, but the first two three days after id feel like my soul heavy. Sounds stupid but something, my mind I guess was heavy.
I’m Not going to dredge all the problems up here but the that among other hurt me most. Mindf–ked me most. I think I deserved your trust but where you would not give it to me, i stopped giving to you, for the longest time though i tried very hard to gain it. i don’t know why, but its hurts trying for something and never getting it. Working without progress.
Even worse, I started thinking, since I was in no way doing anything that should be deemed untrustworthy, that you must be. That was the beginning of the end for me. Ill never know how you can live with those thoughts. For me, thinking that way, not knowing, not trusting, wondering what it was you were doing dishonestly, the things that made you jealous about the most petty things. I thought it must be pretty bad. So one night I came over and things seemed off to me, its unexplainable but I started thinking like you. Unlike you I couldn’t track your every call or text, but I could look. I held your phone and felt terribly guilty but I eventually told myself you have done this to me times 100. So I opened it, found a strange app, found your ex. I only read a few sentences before shutting it, then I went to bed and thought for hours of all your accusations. But as I am a ignorant fool I didn’t even mention any it. But I thought if that thing you told me about that friends wife and so many other things, it all came together to a very ugly picture. i listened to every one talk about you for so long, i started to wonder do they know you? they might, but I am sure i don’t. Still I said nothing. The last silly jealous accusations you made at me I left and you told me you wanted someone who had a kid and all that because we hadn’t made any, that stuck with me, to be honest that comment cut me deeply. Still does if I’m being honest. But it all made sense. That’s what you were looking for, I had in the beginning worried i was a filler, a in between type thing, but I eventually buried those thoughts. But they flew opened after I left after that fight, I took a step back and for the next month when you would declare your “love” I stand away because I felt it. I knew I was just something to hold you over. Man does a thought like that hurt. Just a fact, but a painful one.
I was after forever, family, love, happiness and was too foolish to see what was right in front of my face. I am such the fool, this week I have gotten weak, I miss the good times, and have forgot the rest of it. I don’t know how or why someone can be so stupid as me, but I’d say there are plenty more of us. I miss coming over on Friday, which changed to Saturday as things feel apart but I forget sometimes when I go shopping late that when I come down the highway and pass the shortcut to you road that I almost put my blinker on. I miss silly stuff like setting my bags down and you being asleep, creeping downstairs to talk to anyone awake then coming back upstairs and purposely while pretending its an accident, waking you up. I miss spending sunny days there most of all. Outside in the yard, watching you work on something while I play with everyone’s kids, taking off a couple hour later for something to eat, hours at the kitchen table, nights watching movies together. sleeping on the worst mattress in the world, hoping every holiday you’ll buy a different one, Today I got up, got a shower, shaved my legs, almost picked up the phone to call you, I’d been thinking of it for a week. I went to get a sandwich after I told myself no, that I would not, that I might possibly respond to a message next time, that I might go try to forget it all. That I would go see a nice couple I know so that have absolute trust, a couple that seeing always makes me jealous. I want that more than anything. So I set out to remind myself of a life I want, to remind myself above all I want someone in my life who deserves to me there, someone who knows I deserve to be in there’s. If I’m alone a year I won’t settle for unhappiness and hurt. And through everything that happened, I hope you don’t settle for less either. If you could control yourself better, I’d think you were one of the best people I’d met. As it stands I still think you are a turkey good person, just don’t share my ideas on what I want life to be. So this is my way tonight if reminding myself that no matter which version of you I’m missing, that there are two versions that are not compatible with me.
I very much love you……three fifths of you, but your three good parts combined with my (admittedly) many parts, don’t make a whole. Your two bad parts, my probably eight bad parts just make us unhappy, and viotile we can’t even go to a really nice restaurant without fighting on the ride home about a fight that happened weeks before. I just have to, HAVE TO remember this.