• Still

    by  • May 14, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    I have mostly purged you from my everyday life, however, there are times, that I just find myself thinking about you. I loved you. I wanted you to love me. After all of those years, after all was said and done… I wanted only you. I still do. My heart has flare ups now and again, and thrashes itself through a corridor of memories which is lined with barbed wire. Why? I’m not sure, perhaps, I’m lonely? Of all of the things that I can call mistakes in my life, you are my favourite. I don’t regret you, I miss you, and I wish things were different. I know, that I got so lost, lost within myself that no one could ever reach me, and you were the only one who ever bothered to try. I know that I became a nasty person towards you, but I was trying to guard myself from the pain that you had caused to me. I guess, we were rather rough on each other. I know you never wanted me the way I wanted you to. It didn’t stop me from loving you. I compare other men to you, everyone, something they do, will remind me of you, and then… they are dead to me. I struggle day to day to believe that I could ever put my heart into someone else, and if I do happen to find someone that I think could possibly open me up, they are already in a relationship, therefore, unattainable. Perhaps, I can never be with anyone, perhaps I am to disconnected for true love to happen for me. All of my dreams included you, a lake front, a hammock, wrapped in each others arms, in love. I always asked you to take care of me and you said that you would. Now, I’m left so alone, that I am forced to see every little detail of myself for what it really is. I hope that you still think of me whenever you watch TBBT, and I hope that there are still things in your everyday life that maybe trigger a memory or two of me and I hope that you can see them positively. I hope that in some way you miss me and wonder how I am. I hope you still care. You slipped right through my many walls and I loved you for it. I’ve never wanted to let anyone else in.

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