• How did I get here?

    by  • May 12, 2014 • Thoughts • 0 Comments

    I feel so sad, but when I try to figure out why, I just feel like I’m whining. My life is not what I wanted it to be.

    My marriage is a disaster. On the surface it seems fine, but when I zoom in for a closer look, I don’t like what I see. Financially, we’re so far in over our heads. I have to work 7 days a week, and no matter how hard I try to stick to a budget, something always comes up. Most often it’s some big suprise like a new computer (we didnt need) or a sudden tax bill (from 4 years ago). Or no overtime on the husband’s check, which means I’m a couple hundred bucks behind. I should have been able to quit the 2nd job by now but there is no way. Why do I have to be the uber-responsible one? Why can’t he take some responsibility in ths? We never have any money to go anywhere or do anything, but he seems to be fine with that, sitting there playing his stupid video games.

    And for all the work I do, I never get any appreciation. Is it too much to ask that maybe he thinks ahead and makes some plans for things like my birthday or christmas or mother’s day. Don’t wait until December 24 to go shopping then get sick and hand me your card and say, go buy yourself something and wrap it up, you can spend $xx. Or wait until mothers day and try to take me out to eat WITHOUT THE KIDS, then when I say no, take me to the store and yell at me when I ask your opinion on what you want to eat. Seriously. Make some damn plans. Clearly a man who doesn’t put any effort into doing anything for his wife on a special occasion just doesn’t love her. That’s what it looks like to me anyway. The kicker is… I don’t think I even care any more. But I see what other people do and I wish I had someone that felt that way about me.

    And of course the sex is terrible. If he doesn’t get a response, he holds my arms down so he can do what he wants. I dread going to bed. I sleep on the couch a lot. And, ok its probably not true, but what about the rumor that he molested his sister? How can I even ask about that? When I asked her, she didn’t answer the question. That kind of felt like an answer in itself. I don’t even want to touch that issue.

    Wow, now I’m more angry than sad.

    Would also have been nice if he had taught the kids to do something other than sit around and play video games. The oldest doesnt seem to want a job, and the next one is failing three classes. I try to set a good example, but if I’m working every day, I can’t spend as much time with them as I need to.

    I’ve quit talking to my parents very often because I don’t want to keep going over these same issues time after time. Everything’s such a fucking mess. The house, the money, the kids. How the hell did I get here? I’m exhausted, I’m lonely, I’m sad/angry all the time.

    This is not the life I wanted.

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