• Anything

    by  • May 12, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 0 Comments

    Why do I love you so much? It wouldn’t have to be this difficult. This love I have for you is so extraordinary and rare—especially at this age. I would do anything to be in your arms again. Just to run my fingers through your hair, brush my hand down your cheek, stare into those ice-blue eyes of your s that are nothing but mesmerizing. You are my other half, and at one point I was yours. Time eroded your jigsaw shape that fell perfectly in mine. Something happened, something was damaged. Love is an indestructible thing. Pits, tears, and warps may occur, but a proper mending makes things whole again. I thought I was the perfect girl for you. Caring, sweet, determined, down-to-Earth, quiet, awkward, open-minded, and free spirited. It stings and aches e every part of me when you say “I’m not the right person for you”, and “one day you will realize I’m not the right person for you”. Oliver, if I could imagine myself being with you in the next month, 3 months, 8 months, year, 3 years—I think you are the one for me. I don’t think you are remembering what we had. Remember that spark? What caused it, Oliver? If you just got bored with me… that is no excuse. Perhaps that is the most shallow, lame excuse anyone could ever come up with. I don’t know what to do without you. It has almost been a month and I am still bawling my eyes out thinking about you. I hate nights, especially going to bed. At night, I can’t drive around or go anywhere to somewhat take my mind off things… just enough to take the edge off of the knife stabbing through my heart. Oliver, I want to be that perfect couple again. This was not supposed to happen. It started in 10th grade. The cutest love story ever. A girl found the boy sitting next to her in chemistry class was cute and mysterious. She finally mustered up the courage to talk to him in the most adorably dorky way ever—through a gaming server. For 4 months I would message you on there. Heart pounding, hands sweating, eyes wide with anxiety, and a heart filled with desire. Oddly enough, in physics we were assigned a project to do with a partner, or alone. Knowing us, we took the loner route. Of course, I was more than happy to contact you and question your motives for the project. It was that fateful assignment that sealed the deal between us. We carried out 8 and a half joyous months together. We were almost at our one year. I was supposed to graduate with my one and only. Endure a long distance relationship for two years. I wasn’t worried about that because we are so loyal, and so personally close to one another. I was even going to move to New York after those two years while you finish up. It was perfect and could absolutely be perfect. I couldn’t imagine a cuter love story. We wrote a journal to each other over the summer. We wore party hats like fools at school for your birthday. We walked around parks with our shirts unbuttoned and jackets unzipped. We laid in fields. We left homecoming early to walk around the village’s park. You picked me up and twirled me around in the field where we collapsed with laughter. We walked to the board walk to stare at the moon-lit water. Where did all of that go? Why does it have to go? The happiest moments of our lives were happening. The times you look back on, smile, and wish you could relive again. Who says it has to stop? Love doesn’t go away. Not if you don’t let it. Not if you don’t want it to. In this case, why did you let it go , Oliver. Am I really that unbearable? I’m sorry to say that this break up hasn’t made me less attached to you. My love grew stronger. Stronger in a way that if you can realize that this is not how it is supposed to be, and if you were to take me back, the relationship would be full force and a hell of a lot better. Why don’t you need me anymore? All this time, you would tell me that I’m basically all you have, besides a select few friends. I love you, Oliver. There is still a lot we need and could do together. Heck, we haven’t even made love a second time—you know where it’s actually supposed to be good and more relaxed/ fun. You need to remember these times. You’re a boldfaced liar if you say the bad times outweigh the good. I’m not begging you to date me again. I’m strongly asking you, that while you are “thinking”, you need to think about this. Our relationship wasn’t supposed to be like this and it isn’t right. None of this is right. You may think so now, but I just pray one day you will have an epiphany and say, “She was a genuine girl, and she really was the one for me”. Who else is going to make you watch movies, cuddle, climb trees, make blanket forts, play katamari, draw silly pictures, sing, bake, shop, laugh, go on adventures, drink tea, and watch the world go by with you. Why on Earth would you throw that away. How could you let go of someone who love you so much and is going through all of this to snap you out of it. You know why I can’t give up? Love doesn’t give up. I don’t give up on people, and if I were to move on, I would be giving up and failing us. You think it’s a good thing, maybe you think I’m super imperfect, boring, ugly, annoying, etc. I don’t know. I’m just basing this on what you’ve told me, and what you haven’t told me. Just because you are moving away, doesn’t mean you have to leave everything behind. I don’t know when I’m going to send this to you, and it will probably make things worse, but SOMETHING might make you come to your senses. Just remember oliver, we are two awkward teenagers in chemistry class. So, for my birthday, all I want is you to be my permanent Valentine. Maybe I can actually be happy and have dry cheeks for once since the past month and a half or so. Now I am at the point where I have nothing left to ask or talk about. I’m just wearing a smile to get through. I’ve made it this far. Between everything that’s been thrown at me in the past month and a half, I feel like a brick wall. I am weak, but strong enough not to totally break. I carry myself well, and know myself the best. You say you feel free without me, and it’s my time to let myself free. I still love you, and the pain will always be there, but I’m not going to keep eating me alive. I’ve weighed a constant 93 pounds for the past year or so. When I step on the scale now, I’m a terrifying 87 pounds. I was even down to 85. My stomach never growls anymore, but I make myself eat like I normally did. I just don’t hold weight anymore, and I had an eating disorder for about a week after you broke up with me. It comes and goes. Also, in the first week of January, all that kept flashing in my mind was dying. Never before had I wanted to commit suicide, but it seemed so refreshing and appealing those few days. I would never do that to myself though… I just hoped to parish in a freak car accident or something out of my control. All I know is that, if I believe we are soul mates in the end as strongly as I do, then we will be reunited. It may be 3 months, 8 months, a year, or 3 years. I just have to be patient and continue life like normal until then. We may go through a boyfriend/ girlfriend or two in the meantime, but I don’t think you and I are done forever.

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