• what do you do when…

    by  • May 9, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Frustration • 1 Comment

    I am tired of being back and forth with him but I just can’t let go. I thought two years ago he would be the one to pull me away from my sadness but I feel I am being pulled deeper into it. Damn me for loving him so much! I am tired of the tears that I can’t control. Yes, I love you, YOU I love really damn much than you know! I want to be able to feel happy again. The constant need to hide my tears behind a fake smile is so exhausting. I am giving up on him, my family, everyone including myself… I AM TIRED OF THE PAIN! How many times can I say that! I want my family to let me be more free. In a couple of days I will be 21 and I still have a cerfew of being home by 5:00PM. I can’t sleep over by him as I want to. Heck I have been hiding the fact that I am in love with him from my family for two years. I feel I can be more to him if only my parents were more lenient. I want the moment to come where I have the motivation to go back to school. I dream of a guy who loves me so uncontrollably, kisses me in the rain, go to any extent to make me smile, comforts me, be there for me in my time of need, shows me off to the world & make me feel like someone. This fake smile is dying slowly, I honestly want to kill myself and I feel I will. I don’t see myself going anywhere. I wish if I had friends to help me through this. I need a miracle to survive. Why can’t the tears stop flowing… This pain is gripping my heart so badly I can feel it literally tearing away at me and there is no one there to see it. The agony that I feel. cut cut cut cut
    I am not good enough
    I cry
    I screwed up
    I am silent
    I hate myself
    I am a mess
    I can’t feel
    I lost myself
    I am a failure
    I lie
    I cut
    I am a terrible person
    I am simply lonely
    How much more clearer can I be?!

    One Response to what do you do when…

    1. d...
      May 9, 2014 at 10:12 pm

      Dream on

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