That’s just stupid. It’s what I thought of women in abusive “relationships”. I had no time, patience, or compassion for them. I’ve always pride myself on being so willful, independent, and strong. “Spitfire”, “Firecracker”, “Free spirit” those were the terms of endearment used to describe me. Uncompromising in my demand for freedom, respect, & love. I left behind broken hearts refusing to settle for a man that loved me, determined to find one I loved.
I found him. He was delightful. I was happy. He told me everything I wanted to hear. He listened when I explained the kind of relationship I wanted to have, the type of person I was looking to find. He agreed that type of relationship I described was sounded exactly what he had been looking for himself. Yes, I see now how completely native it was to believe it, but for all my missteps in life I’m still too trusting.
Things were lovely for awhile, until situations arose that required him to “step up” and prove he really believed the things he told me. With every new situation that gave him the opportunity to prove he was “xyz” trait or had “abc” belief… he’d falter, stumble, back track. Of course, like any girl would, I felt betrayed, lied to, and used. He wouldn’t give me the things (truth, time, patience, respect, concern..etc) he said he would. I was crushed, but ended it.
He’d leave for awhile, just long enough for me to stop being angry. He didn’t come back saying he was sorry or wrong, that just would have been to easy to dismiss. Instead, he claimed he didn’t understand what happened or even why I was angry with him. It was all a misunderstanding, or that’s what he said. He said I flew off the handle and ended things before he even knew what I’d been asking of him. Admittedly, I am a hothead. I listened and believed he was sincere that he had been simply confused. I let it drop & we tried again.
The issue would come up again. Silly me, I believed we’d already discussed it & all was well & settled. Only to discover he still held on to this “new” opinion of “xyz”…. really?
I asked what happened to his “old” opinion? The opinion that he’d told me in the beginning that he believed in just as much as I did. Oh, well that, he says, (was that a smirk on his face just then?) “you misunderstood me before”, he says. Oh?
So now after more happiness than I’ve ever known.. albeit delusional happiness, apparently … he drops the bomb. He doesn’t believe any of those things at all. He never agreed when I said these are the things that are important to a happy relationship.
The ball is now in my court. Faced with the choice to end the relationship I’ve found myself in NOT being the one I’d believed I had. I ended it. I’d never known myself to ever feel so happy as when I was with him, but it was a lie. It hurt. I walked away. It was only my determination to be that happy again that gave me the strength to do it. I moved on, dated other people. No one came close, even remotely close to interesting.
Back he comes. My search for a new boyfriend had left me totally defeated & deflated. When Mr. abusive comes back, I listen. I listen to him & the whimper of my heart begging me to take him back and I do. I tell myself he didn’t really mean to lie to me about who he was when we’d first meet. Surely, it was just a misunderstanding, maybe I’d gotten carried away and only heard what I wanted to hear so badly when I’d first met him.
And so it began, my descent into an abusive relationship that would bring me as close to ever seeing myself in the mirror with a black eye as I will ever come. I pride myself on having more courage than most men twice my size and too much love for myself than to allow myself to ever be someone’s victim. And for all the world now, now I know. I know those women with black eyes in abusive relationships, I know they didn’t get there by being weak or stupid.
The path they were taken down, wasn’t a straight one. A path the man who beats her paved and perfected to a twisted sadistic piece of perfection. I left the one who would have ultimately broken me, but I know he’ll find the flaw in his technique and continue his work.
He’s going to find someone spirited, happy, and free. Then he’s going to run his little game, lead her down that path, he’ll even let her back track of her own free will for awhile, just to give his victim time to heal, let her regain some hope, so he can come back & steal it away again. I no longer think these women are stupid and I know now that they are doing all they can to leave it. I’m still fresh out of my nightmare. Bracing my heart against any future contact. Prepared to do anything and everything to keep him away.