• The Desert

    by  • May 8, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    Dear Kurt, I’m not sure which part of my heart is larger – the part that prays you never read this, or the part that wants you to read it. If only there was a way for me to tell you these things without ever getting a response, and without you remembering, just for the moment to release these thoughts into anywhere but my own head. My own head has been a desolate place since the day I realized we would never be together, it has turned into the desert we were surrounded by that summer in 2008. Six years ago? Six years ago. Holy crap. Never has anything so old felt so fresh – but I digress. The day I realized we would never be together. We share a person in our lives, someone who is not only very important to both of us, but also someone to whom we are both very important. I didn’t want to fail her, I didn’t want to risk her, enough people have risked her wellbeing for their own gain, and I would have hurt her by persuing you – I know it because she practically said it. She noticed something, whatever it was, and said how weird it would be for her brother and her best friend to… well, anything. I have always told myself that I am sure you felt the same way, but as I write this I find myself backtracking that presumption, just in case you never did. Maybe you never did and I was just delusional, it might have been a heat stroke after all. I have had plenty of crushes in my life, I promise you that, but I never for a second thought it was mutual in any of the cases – except with you. I felt it and if I was imagining it, I am sorry, I hope you don’t feel violated. But those afternoons in the car together – I don’t even know where we were driving, I don’t remember, all I remember is us talking so effortlessly and yet not like friends. Have you ever looked at someone and thought – wow, it’s like I was built to look for you in this life, and here you are? I mean, it’s not as dramatic as it sounds. There’s no fanfare, no drums and bells and trumpets, no fireworks. Just this click – there you are. I found you. I felt that with you and again, if it was never mutual I deeply apologize for the creepiness factor. I can’t really win. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Because I am never going to tell you, and you will never get a chance to respond. And part of the reason I am never going to tell you is out of respect. Another reason we could never be is because our lives were so different. It would have never worked, so I would never risk hurting my best friend by persuing it. But in my mind you’ll always be that person. There is only one of you in this world. There will never be anyone like you. By now I’m starting to get freaked out and I am realizing which part of me is winning – the part of me that hopes you’ll never read this. If you do, I may just go hide in shame for the rest of my life. I am sorry. Either way. I guess the desert heat gets to us all.

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