I’m not really sure why I’m writing this. Probably because I feel overwhelmed and surrounded by my feelings. In addition to not knowing your feelings for me, do you have any?
Mostly I’m not mad that I don’t know though. I think I just feel a little scared and a little vulnerable. -This is also not your fault- it’s the feelings, they are terrifying, scary because it’s hard to grasp how much I care about you. At the risk of sounding dramatic here, I seem to be stuck in a cloud of feelings of caring.
I’m terrified because I care and I don’t want to push you away. I’m scared I’m going to overwhelm you with my cloud of feelings, I’m scared I’m going to say something wrong, so I’m sorry if I’m a little quiet sometimes, it’s just because you make me want to think twice before I speak so that I don’t blurt out something supremely stupid. (I do this anyway sometimes.)
I’m constantly worried because I can’t read past that wall you’ve got up.
I’m excited because I know that I like spending time with you even when(/ especially when) you’re grumpy. I’m excited because getting to know you -even slowly – is always an adventure. You’re very smart, you’re very funny and you’re probably, genuinely, one of the most conscientious and thoughtful people I’ve met. You’re also dumb and fall asleep a lot but I like that too.
I’m happy because spending time with you makes me want to slow down (/speed up.) It makes me want to sit and talk for hours about the most pointless stuff ever.
I’m sad because you let me be, I don’t mean this in a bad way. You’re one of the first people I’ve known who has let me feel like it’s okay to be sad. You haven’t seen me incredibly sad yet, but you’ve always put your arms around me and just let me feel.
I’m angry because my cloud of feelings feel so intense that I wouldn’t even dream of burdening you with them.
I’m thankful because you make me want to be patient and appreciate that patience really is (a long lost) virtue. I’m also thankful because you’ve made me realise that sometimes slower really is better.
I’m terrified because most of all, being around you reminds me of all of the above. Being around you reminds me that it is easy to be hurt by someone.
Being with you reminds me that it’s worth it.