My dearest Kyla Mae,
These words are but a few from the wellspring within my heart. They shall never reach you, they shall never call or text or post in your direction. But I had to tell them. I had to tell the world about us. I can’t scream or cry or spend anymore nights starring at the emptiness of space knowing that you stand under it as well. It was real goddamnit, every ounce and every single little tiny microscopic moment we were together was real. You ran, and I know you were young and confused, but deep down you knew. You knew it was me. It was always me. Months passed and I drowned in my sadness each night but why?! I knew you felt it too, you were there too! You knew I died, you would call me and check it and then would run when you saw the desperation you left me with. I told you I would wait. But my body couldn’t and I’m sorry. I gave you everything, I prayed, begged, I showed you the ring… You left the day I begged and borrowed to get it. You told me you’d never leave me, that we were what everyone only imagines. I told my family, my friends, I cried to the world and thanked god that i had found the kind of love people only pretend to imagine. After us, everything was a comparison of you. The sun, every woman, every sensory thing my body perceived only became a reminder of the truth that your are. My eternal love. My sweet Kyla Mae. Years went by as our lives played out like some sadist version of a Greek tragedy. My brother told me you sent him a message. It said ” tell him his long lost love is looking for him”. I died the death a parent does when they lose a child, he gave that message only just after I found out I was going to be a father.. I’m sorry my love. I said I would wait for you. I was 4 years after that encounter that changed my life. That blueprint burned into my memory and into my DNA. We kissed in a sea of people while the band played, we found each other in that crowd of people, in that country, at that concert that fate bought us each a ticket for. But time passed again and I was to be married. You called my number, the same one I’ve always had, and begged to see me. We met, and then again, that fire rose up inside. I shouldn’t have, but we did.. My morphine, my rapture, you were everything, again and again. You wanted me back but I couldn’t abandon my child’s hope of having a normal life. I am a monster for you. I vowed my love to a beautiful person, the mother of my child. I’m sorry my love. You cried and told me everything you should have told me years ago, but on my wedding day I couldn’t hear it. It’s a terrible place to be, standing on an altar that’s not meant for you, out of unborn love I sacrificed you for my child. I swallowed death that day, I drudged on and buried you with anger, I buried you with love and shame. Once again, we died apart. Two years later, today, I search your name and find a picture of you. Your pregnant and smiling. The life that should have been ours is lost forever. I hope with everything that I am your life is good to you and that you find a man who treats you even remotely as good as I would have. I know I could contact you and drag this madness out of us both, but I won’t. This time I’ll do as I promised my love, I’ll wait. I miss you so much. Every second I get to myself I still weep in my car or at work from time to time as if it were reflex. We were real. The real true love. I don’t know the rest of our story but I hear it in every song, i feel it on my skin in summer days. I know now that in ten or twenty years it will be the same. Always you, always you. Please, find me in my dreams my love, the only place we can be together now. Please someone.. Tell her! Tell her. I’m so sorry I love her i love her… The truth is here in my arms and in my eyes. How can I live. I wish I never met you my sweet Kyla Mae. You ruined yourself and you ruined me. I ruined myself and I ruined you. I am dead, but I must live. I am a fish that must learn to breathe air. I am the man who held her. She belonged to me and I to her. I am the reason you fake your smile and the reason you don’t cuddle him in bed. I am the reason you stare up at the moon, because I am there too. Kyla, can you feel me my love? Either way. I am yours, and I’ll never be. Always and forever. – N.