• What I need

    by  • May 5, 2014 • Loneliness • 3 Comments

    I need kindness. You have as much capacity for that as you do for cruelty. I’ve seen them both in ample measure. I need to feel safe. Not like you or others might stab me at any minute. I need to feel appreciated. You don’t have to say anything, just a look is all I need. I need conversation, and sometimes I need you to start it. I need physical touch, even the briefest glance means so much to me.

    When I don’t get these things, indeed, when I get the exact opposite, I automatically start looking for it somewhere else. Not like in a “fuck this shit i’m getting mine” kind of way. But in a “i’m so fucking lonely i just want someone to talk to” kind of way. I know it bothers you nonetheless. You just don’t understand, or maybe you do, that isolation takes me to bad places. Places where I feel depressed, and worthless, a bundle of self-destructive waste of potential. I’m not trying to make you jealous as much as I’m just trying to keep myself from crying.

    Maybe it’s all just another test. My feelings about this oscillate constantly. If it is, then I understand I shouldn’t allow it, not matter how awful, to affect my judgment. And I don’t think it does. But I have needs that so desperately need to be fulfilled…like basic human conversation and feeling wanted. That’s really all i’m taking from others. So really that’s what I need, you to start (at least) expressing that you are capable and willing to fulfill my needs yourself. And a sign. Something completely unmistakable. Otherwise nothing is going to change. And honestly, that’s mostly on you now.

    3 Responses to What I need

    1. Twiggy
      May 5, 2014 at 7:23 pm

      Very well written. This seems all too familiar with the situation I’m dealing with

    2. @ the edge of wilde
      May 6, 2014 at 8:07 am

      I feel like I have been like that to the one I adore. so I want to speak to him about it.

      If I undermine you its because I am afraid of what will become of me when I allow myself to really love you…I know that it hurts…I think we have been playing the hurt game for a while now…who threw the first punch ( so to say)…it doesnt matter…its gone too far and I cannot continue hurting you.

      I realise that I miss you, but then I also know that I havent yet found a way of removing the past from our slate. I have to work on allowing you back in without throwing you a guilt trip. It doesnt help either of us. I realised that now…I am emotionally abusing you…and I dont want to any longer…you deserve better.

      So how do we move forward. I dont want you down in those trenches… battling yourself…I sometimes forget how sensitive you are. this is the very thing I admire about you…you feel deeply and you express your heart. I wasnt able to see that about you at first…but now I rely on it…

      I prey on what I consider to be a weakness forgetting that I am just as vulnerable as you…maybe even more because you take your time to dive deep within me. I only wish I had had the eyes to recognise you before.

      Forgive my cruelty, I use it to exert my power over our love. To test you …so I can see that you are really unconditional. I’m a fool.

      Yes I dislike the idea of another women receiving the look in your eyes. I know that soul so well…I feel like it should be mine alone.

      But in reality I have no right to hold you back, I love you…te amo…ich liebe dich. So i also have to learn that sometimes you need that one person to help you pick ourself up when I am not there…because I am too busy being my stubborn self to let you back in. I need you to be happy, and if I cant find a way to truly love you for who you are, I have no right to hold someone else back from giving you what I cant.
      I need you to be happy…and if you can find love with someone else…I will be her cheer leader because she is helping me love you…you need someone to help you not feel lonely and cry…to help you make new memories and happy thoughts.

      Of course…if you told me…come now…please…I would drop everything I am now doing and I would come and be with you. Its that simple…

      We all have issues, and I love you…I just dont want my issues to hurt you anymore, I love you too much.
      So I will support you, if she makes you happy now…then so be it.

      But in the end …I will always want to be that woman for you, the one that you want to come home to. So when I am ready I will come home, and wait for you to come home.

      Meanwhile…she an love you, make you smile…be tender with you…its my gift.

      because I love you.

      but if you dont want her…and you want me…this time I promise you…I am the woman you want and will always want. I am at peace with what you desire.

      be happy…its my gift

    3. reader
      May 6, 2014 at 2:25 pm

      Your letter touches my heart. It sounds like you don’t trust people easily. You see evil in them. You’re waiting for your person to save you, make you happy. Is that correct?

      If you were my person, I would say. I love you and I want you. I’m still having a hard time to accept that it probably will never work out between us. But at the same time and as much as I would like to believe it, I don’t think that I (as a whole) really matter to you. Frankly I think no one will permanently be able to fulfill all of your needs without giving up on their own. You are so contradictory that it seems simply impossible.

      I don’t know if it applies to you, author, but maybe my view helps to see the other side. Best of luck to you!

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