I need kindness. You have as much capacity for that as you do for cruelty. I’ve seen them both in ample measure. I need to feel safe. Not like you or others might stab me at any minute. I need to feel appreciated. You don’t have to say anything, just a look is all I need. I need conversation, and sometimes I need you to start it. I need physical touch, even the briefest glance means so much to me.
When I don’t get these things, indeed, when I get the exact opposite, I automatically start looking for it somewhere else. Not like in a “fuck this shit i’m getting mine” kind of way. But in a “i’m so fucking lonely i just want someone to talk to” kind of way. I know it bothers you nonetheless. You just don’t understand, or maybe you do, that isolation takes me to bad places. Places where I feel depressed, and worthless, a bundle of self-destructive waste of potential. I’m not trying to make you jealous as much as I’m just trying to keep myself from crying.
Maybe it’s all just another test. My feelings about this oscillate constantly. If it is, then I understand I shouldn’t allow it, not matter how awful, to affect my judgment. And I don’t think it does. But I have needs that so desperately need to be fulfilled…like basic human conversation and feeling wanted. That’s really all i’m taking from others. So really that’s what I need, you to start (at least) expressing that you are capable and willing to fulfill my needs yourself. And a sign. Something completely unmistakable. Otherwise nothing is going to change. And honestly, that’s mostly on you now.