No matter what, there’s always pain. And confusion. I always hold on to it, because in the bad times its all I have of you. And that’s really how it breaks down. There are good times, and there are bad times. Nothing in between. We are both so very extreme, it probably couldn’t be any other way. But the good times make it worth it all. The good times (that get sandwiched between bad times) are what keeps me fighting. They just never last for very long. Its like a nightmare, knowing the transition is coming, and then seeing it play out. I wish I could make it different, so that it could always be good. I don’t know what to do. Is it jealousy? Is it mistrust? Is it simple misunderstanding? Is it too much bad history? Maybe it’s just not what you wanted, or perhaps even the way you wanted it? I can keep guessing but it wont bring me any closer to the truth.
There’s really nothing I feel like I can say, because you make me feel so stupid. I feel like the loyal dog who keeps bringing dead birds as presents to your door. But you kick me out of the house, you punish me, and you hurt me. Why? To see if Ill come back? To see if I’ll find another owner? What happens when you push me so far away I don’t feel like I can come back? Is that my fault? To not disobey you when you trained me to be so obedient. So I guess after all this time, that is what remains. Questions. Hurt. The fading promise of a better tomorrow.