• the place where fear & fate cross paths…

    by  • May 3, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Fear • 15 Comments

    when i met you i saw someone i wanted to know… was it something as simple as your gaze? the intensity of your eyes…maybe it was your energy… possibly the recognition of a soul I have known for eons. i only wanted to get closer. to see you more clearly. to feel you near me so I could confirm my initial feeling, that you were something special. and so i did.

    and you were.

    was it an escape… some kind of savior…both. and yet, there were these moments. moments wherein i felt a fear unrecognized to myself. a fear that sent a wave of uneasiness through my body. this fear of mortality and impermanence and ultimately the inevitable loss of the beauty and the electricity and the vibrance of the love I discovered in the form of one sweet woman. in the soul of a person I suddenly felt was integral to my path, my journey, my joy. who had been all along.

    and i vowed to myself to love without condition…to freely give my heart…to forgive without fear…

    and then something crept in. like ink in a clear spring…this doubt seeped in.
    a fear…

    to lose that…this love…this connection…this presence. to another…to time…to my own darkness. that fear overwhelmed my mind, my body…and my heart stands no chance in its presence. the words spoken- faulty veils over pain and the deep sense of unworthiness. I wonder, have we all felt this? The fear that something so gorgeous could not possibly be intended for me…that certainly there is a catch…

    and it saddens me to imagine that hurt and a dull sense of dissatisfaction have become the status quo for me and so to go beyond that feels unreal…it hurts me to imagine that I must sabotage goodness to remain in the false comfort zone of my discontent… that a joy such as your touch can only be felt as a dream to me…that there is some broken wire in my heart that I have never managed to fix…

    and so i have no right to tell you i love you. i have no right to look you in the eyes. in the words of arcade fire “i’m just a little god…causing rainstorms, turning every good thing to rust.”

    and so its the truth. i am the ultimate saboteur. i am a fucking coward. i am lost to my own purpose. i am a dart through your heart… I am a hateful word on a screen…anger in your ear…

    but i don’t want to be. and maybe I wont always live like this. i could open my heart fully. maybe even my mind. to live with abandon in complete embrace of love…light…wholeness. something real… it is possible. although the path eludes me and I find myself once again facing a wall and wondering how I arrived at a dead end.

    because a home is what I seek and this path has to lead to one… and although I thought I found one. I demolished it with the weight of my fear and heartache… and I know no other way. and so I am wandering again in search of that place/space to call my own. a home in another’s heart.

    I am sorry in a way that I can’t find a word for. regret that sits in the pit of my stomach and reminds me of how terribly and completely human I am.

    and so goodbye is the only word I can say.

    15 Responses to the place where fear & fate cross paths…

    1. Twin Soul
      May 3, 2014 at 5:47 pm

      Don’t give up on something so clearly beautiful. It sounds as if she is your soul. Don’t say goodbye. Maybe she finds a home in you and has that same fear. Don’t waste your life. Find her and love her. Something that sounds so special should not be ignored. Tell her!

    2. poetic
      May 3, 2014 at 5:49 pm

      I like it

    3. visceral
      May 3, 2014 at 8:17 pm

      My reaction to your words…though I know they are not meant for me..
      they tug the strings of my soul.
      I despise that I react to love in the same way.
      the fear a great choking thing..especially when I’m my happiest.
      I sincerely hope you find your way…
      any one that Can love to such depths ..And write so beautifully
      deserves to…
      Be well

    4. Kat
      May 3, 2014 at 10:47 pm

      You’re only a coward because you fear. You are also a fool because in fear, you make decisions. Be still and wait for that fear to pass. It will pass. Don’t accept it, just wait. Fear is a bad spirit so don’t accept it. Rebuke it, renounce it, refuse it. It will pass. This is only a test of your faith.

    5. i say the same
      May 4, 2014 at 12:01 am

      Goodbye and thank you. Be well.

    6. don't
      May 4, 2014 at 12:31 am

      Don’ try to look for home in anyone’s ? You are your home.Take your time and think about what holds you tight at the very center of your soul.

    7. Don't
      May 4, 2014 at 12:33 am

      Don’ try to look for home in anyone’s heart.You are your home.Take your time and think about what holds you tight at the very center of your soul.

    8. .
      May 4, 2014 at 5:32 am

      I see. You are in love with your pain. You should use your beautiful mind to recognize your stunning writing skills and transform your self sabotage into something amazing. Don’t waste your talent here. You’re better than that!!!

    9. Choices
      May 4, 2014 at 6:24 am

      Goodbye is never the only word, it a choice between two,,,,but


    10. A-
      May 4, 2014 at 7:38 am

      A nightmare turned into reality.

    11. Timed?
      May 4, 2014 at 7:47 am

      and I still feel so inappropriate in all response.

    12. Look for the X
      May 4, 2014 at 2:48 pm

      We project our fear on those around us. Your person could be feeling exactly the same way, only neither of you realize it because of all the fear on both sides. The difference between longing and reality is the choices and decisions we make. Fate will not save us.

    13. Lindsay
      May 4, 2014 at 9:28 pm

      I recently went to an arcade fire concert with a guy i had been seeing. He seems angry at me, like he hates me. I really liked him. I didn’t do him wrong. He made me feel crazy. I know this isn’t probably for me, but it really resonates. He called me perfect at the beginning. I thought he was “perfect” as much as that can be. He seemed scared. But I can never know for sure. It sucks, but I have to be strong in myself and move on to people who aren’t scared. If he can get through it, or if it was all a misunderstanding, I would love to know and to see him again. Otherwise, I can’t always be the one to try. It hurt. I want to move forward, but if what we could have had is still possible, I’d want to know. Good luck.

    14. Anonymous 'S'
      May 6, 2014 at 6:54 am

      This brought tears to my eyes to read.
      You have a way with words author. Perhaps you
      Should reach out to her, meet, have a couple of drinks together, and the 2 of you open up once and for all! She may feel the exact same fear as you do! Hope it all works out for you. Cheers!!!

    15. Karrie
      May 8, 2014 at 10:44 am


      I have no idea if you are on any of these pages, but was hoping for a simple solution to a very complicated problem, and was hoping to find it in one of these letters.

      I did not.

      However, this letter made me smile, cry, and I could thoroughly relate to whoever wrote it. The letters sounds like it was written for me, but I supposed that happens to almost everyone that response to any of these “letters” since we all are more alike than we are different.

      Good luck to you!

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