You deserve to hear the truth from me.
We’ve worked together for a couple years now but just recently met. I remember the first time I saw you, last year at our company’s annual party. I didn’t even know your name then, but I saw you in blue making out with your then-boyfriend. Idk if you saw me staring at the two of you…I was alone that night, and I was so desperately sad that my special person wasn’t there showering me with kisses in front of our friends and associates.
We met months later. We were at that seminar in the basement, and I got there late…I swear the only two empty seats in the entire room were next to you. Of course I chose the farther of the two, but you said “you can sit here”. So I did. I could tell pretty quickly you liked me. I asked my “good friend” (more about him later) if you had a boyfriend, and he said you did. So I was a little confused why it seemed like you were so into me.
As time went on, the signs became too obvious…there was no way you were still in a relationship. I resisted and tried to avoid you as much as I could. You see, I was unavailable and had been for quite some time. Every woman at our office who had in the past expressed interest in me…I just completely ignored them. I thought that was the compassionate thing to do. After all they couldn’t have me, so I didnt want them to fall for me. But I decided to start talking to you. You are easily one of the most attractive women at our company…so don’t take this the wrong way, but I just assumed you were probably a stuck up bitch. Wow, I was wrong. You have a great personality. I was so surprised when we first started talking that you were so genuinely interested in getting to know me. You asked me about my “accent” (quotations cuz I dont think I have one). I think that was actually the first thing you said to me.
We started talking more, mostly at work, but sometimes outside of work too. I began realizing you were falling for me and I started panicking. I should have told you about my unavailability…but you see, that is a secret that very few people know about. And for now, it needs to remain that way. I drew you a picture that one day when we were sitting there bored listening to our (Indian?) boss go blah blah blah blah. That was my feeble attempt to tell you that I had someone in my life already. I know I drew the picture to look like you two were even in my heart…Im sorry that was wrong.
I didn’t want you to fall for me. I wanted to stay away from you because I knew I couldn’t give you something that I had already given to someone else long ago. But the nature of our work brought us together frequently. I’ll be honest…I really enjoyed the way you flirted with me. It was very sexual, and I am someone who craves sexual attention – which is why I am such a flirt…for any other women out there who hate me right now. And because it seemed like you picked me over all your other pursuers, I did feel a little jealous about the other guys you talked to. I was always checking out who you emailed and texted…I’m not sure if you wanted me to or you just allowed it but I know you know.
(I have to go off on a tangent here now…so if you don’t realize that pretty much every guy in our office wants you…youre naive. But as to one of those guys…my “good friend”…after he saw me talking to you alot, he asked me what was up, and I stupidly (trusting him) told him that I thought he was wrong about you being in a relationship. So what did he start doing? He started using our friendship to try to get close to you. He started stalking me…he even tried to (not so subtly) blackmail me. Finally, one day after work he asked me if I “was trying to get with you”. I didnt say anything. Then he actually said “May the best man win”. What a piece of shit. Once upon a time I actually told people he was my best friend. I’m glad he showed his true colors. And I think you saw it too, because I haven’t seen you two talking as much since all that. Seriously, if you end up with any other guy at our company I will be happy for you…but not him. You know who I’m talking about.)
Anyways, I did want you too…but it wasn’t love. It was lust, and even that I knew I wouldn’t act upon.
I asked you out. Rather awkwardly I’ll admit. I think that was intentional…me subconsciously trying to appease your feelings while simultaneously sabotaging them. When you said no, I actually felt relieved (although to be real my ego did take a hit). But I learned something that night from what you said. Whether you realized it or not…I was to be your rebound.
I can’t explain what I have with her, not to you, sometimes not even to myself. Whether or not we end up having a future, I have to stick it out to the end to find out what it could be. Not because I feel pressured to, or because I feel I have to abide by my commitments. But because she has always been the love of my life and if I don’t I know I will regret it for the rest of my life. I know it sounds cliche, but it wasn’t you. I wouldn’t have abandoned my feelings for her for anyone, not even Kate Upton…thinking, thinking…ok, MAYBE Kate Upton, lol. I subtly made sure she knew about you, because I knew it would make her jealous. So really I wronged both of you. But mostly you, because I stringed you along the whole time, knowing I would not give you what you wanted.
You probably don’t want to hear from me right now. Like I said before, timing is not my strong suit. I don’t know what you feel towards me now, anger, hope, sadness, or even just indifference…but whatever it is I don’t want it to distract you from what is really important for you right now. You might call me a liar if I said I care about you, but its true. Not the way you wanted, but I recognized your feelings and I really did appreciate them. I’m so sorry I played you. I hope you can see I’m not a bad guy, I just did a really bad thing. I meant what I said the last time I reached out to you…I would still like to be your friend. I don’t have alot of friends at our office, especially in my new department. Im not saying this cuz I want a popularity boost…I really think you’re mad cool. You’re one of the only women I’ve ever been able to talk to about sports lol (16-0? still amazing). Our status as co-workers means we will run into each other from time to time. I won’t approach you, but if you see me and you wanna talk just say hi. I’ll be open to it.
PS: About your ex…I used to carpool with him occasionally…it was so awkward. I think he knew you had feelings for me, and I could see in his eyes that he wasn’t over you. Honestly, I kinda feel like both of you secretly wanna get back together but neither of you will admit it…just saying. Anyways, I met him recently. I like him, seems like a good guy. I just wanted to give you heads up theres a chance we might be working alot together next year. It has nothing to do with you, don’t think I’m trying to spite you. Take care of yourself, and know I’m happy I finally got to meet the girl in blue 🙂