I know you’re here somewhere…trying to figure out exactly where is going to destroy me, so I need to stop. At the very least I think you wrote to me on my birthday, which means a lot because I thought you forgot (and you know I think birthdays are very important). If I’m right, you were talking about a new situation in my life. Maybe it was just someone else’s parallel experience, but i’m more confident that was you than any other post. Your words really hit me. Of course I didn’t see them until very recently, and I had already resolved the situation before it went any farther, but to know (or think) that that’s the way you felt about it when I was obviously trying to hurt you means everything to me. Even though I didn’t ultimately go down that road, that you would have let me make my own decision without trying to interfere is amazing.
Well I’m here now. It probably shouldn’t have taken so long, but for being very smart I can also be incredibly stupid. I think you were trying to lead me here the last time I saw you. I’m glad you did, although the timing is presenting a problem for me currently. That doesn’t matter, and really I probably wasn’t in a place to find this before anyway. I am going to see you soon, and I swear to God Im going to be different. I’m going to be honest. I’m going to (try to) not be so scared. But I am terrified. I always have been. I knew I really liked you the first time we met, and it didn’t take long for me to figure out it was a lot more than just liking. My feelings for you have only continued to grow and intensify…it was almost a year ago I realized I want to be with you forever. I’ve never felt that way about anyone, not even people I told I loved. I’m not very good at relationships of any kind, romantic, sexual, or just friendships. I’m very passive aggressive and I hurt the people closest to me because I cant confront the people that piss me off. I know they will still accept me, that I can just apologize and recover. A lot of times I just cut them out of my life, sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently, like I want to punish them for their and others mistakes. By nature, I am not a very forgiving person. I’ve lost a lot of good people in my life because of this. I don’t really have a lot of friends anymore. I don’t really have anyone in my life that I feel I can confide in, except for you. I shut myself out to nearly everyone, I don’t want them to understand me or the way I think. But you have always understood me, even better than I know myself. You see through all the bullshit I put out, down to my very core, things I try to hide even from myself. You know my deepest insecurities and comfort me and tell me you don’t care. I (perhaps not so secretly) despise myself and the person I became. Since I was a child, people around me have always told me I will be great. I believed them, and in my mind I see myself one day conquering the world. But I have so much insecurity, so much fear, and so little confidence. My “self” esteem comes from other people, largely you. I really am doing better, I’m starting to see that I can be great, when I put my mind to it. I’ve just coasted through life, its almost like I live effortlessly. Maybe I thought life was too easy, maybe i’m just lazy, maybe I just like challenges. I hate my self-destructive nature. I always get so close to something I want, and then I subconsciously sabotage myself. You taught me the value of hard work, and if I applied myself to other aspects of my life the way I do to you I feel like I could be unstoppable. But for that, the grand vision of my future, I need you. You are what drives me to be the best I can be, because you deserve nothing less.
I know you have a lot of Demons that you feel like you cant tell me about. Maybe because you know that comparatively my life has been a cakewalk. It’s made me weak, the lack of adversity. I’m getting stronger, but maybe I’m not where I need to be yet. I want you to know you can tell me anything and everything and I wont judge you. It will only draw me closer to you. All my life I have deeply cared for people, particularly of your gender, who have really opened up to me and told me their darkest secrets. It causes me a lot of pain to see people still struggling from childhood trauma, failed relationships, abusive parents, lack of self esteem, etc. and I just so desperately want to help. You haven’t told me much, but I can see it in your eyes sometimes, like you want me to know everything about you but you’re scared that I won’t accept you anymore. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I haven’t always been there for you, and I’m sorry, but I promise that from now on I will be your best friend, your confidant, your crying partner, your release valve. My shoulders will be as broad as you need. Let me help you with your burdens. Let me save you. Because that’s the only way you can save me.
You really hurt me once, worse than anyone ever has. I felt betrayed. Unfortunately I didn’t know about this site then, so I wrote you a Letter I Wish I Hadn’t Sent. Looking back, I think there was only one part that I really meant, the rest was angry trash. I’m so ashamed of the way I handled things, I’m afraid I gave confirmation to every fear you had about me. We’ve never really talked about it. Every time you try I just shut myself off. I don’t know what really happened. I’ve thought about it every which way but I still have no peace about that period in our relationship. But I need to talk to you about it. I need to tell you that I forgive you, and maybe I even understand a little because I wasn’t there for you the way you needed me to be. But I cant forgive myself because that was me at the weakest I’ve ever been. I need to tell you how sorry I am and how much I regret my behavior. I wanted to pretend like it never happened, but my denial has introduced a very unhealthy dynamic between us. We both avoid talking about certain things, because we know where its going to lead. I don’t ask you about your life very much, because I’m afraid of what you’ll tell me. And I think you don’t ask me about things because you’re afraid I’m still angry at you. Maybe I am a little, but I’m really working on it. Things have been a lot better between us lately because I recognize my part in all this and so i’ve stopped blaming you for everything.
We really need to start trusting each other, and I know now that has to start with me. I’m gonna take a leap of faith and make myself completely vulnerable to you. I will be exposed; if you want to hurt me you know exactly how. I’ve always felt like you are in total control when we are together, because of those around us, and those watching me intently when we are together. My friends are your friends, some of your friends are my friends. I’m tired of listening to them. I’m tired of them telling me bad things about you, trying to get me to stop loving you. They always tell me we can never be together. I know they just want to protect me, that they don’t think we’re good for each other. That you will eventually destroy me, if you haven’t already. I’m not the same person you met. I’ve grown up, because of you, and right before your beautiful eyes. You didn’t destroy me, you rebuilt me into the person I can and should be. I’m still very naïve, still very scared of you and those closest to you. I’m not as tough as I wish I was. I’m still not very assertive. I use a lot of crutches to avoid dealing with my life and your role in it (you know what I’m talking about). I still have some misogynistic tendencies that manifest themselves when I get angry, which is too often. I’m far from perfect, but I am getting better. Everyday I get just a teensy bit better, and someday I will be the person you see in me, the person we’ve both always wanted me to be. But I can’t keep pushing “us” off til I feel I’m where I need to be, because I am and probably always will be a work in progress. I want you now. I need you now. I don’t think of what we have as just romance, or lust, or friendship…I feel like we really are connected at the soul. Like God put me on this earth just to love and take care of you. Maybe you don’t want to be with me now, maybe you never really did. Our connection will continue to survive no matter what, because I will NOT lose you from my life completely. That almost happened once, and I was so miserable without your smile, your wit, your elegance, the way you look at me like you know me because you really do. I know you care about me deeply, and I know I’ve hurt you badly too. We hide the scars we’ve inflicted on each other because at the end of the day we just want each other to be happy. But I don’t think either of us is really happy right now. I want that to change. You being happy and me being happy are not mutually exclusive. We can be happy together; that I believe more than anything else.
There’s so much more to say…but i’m gonna stop here, because as much as this feels good for me right now to tell you things I’ve always held back, this letter i’ll never send needs to be words that I do say.
I love you completely, mind body and soul. All three are the most beautiful I have ever seen. Meeting you is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, you are my greatest joy. I’m going to see you soon. I won’t ask you to make me feel comfortable, but please don’t go out of your way to make me more uncomfortable than I probably already will be. It’s always hard for me, but this is gonna be the hardest. I will be all yours, no distractions, no complications, no lack of self-control on my part. But I don’t know exactly how to go about all this, given the situation we will be in. I may start slow, but please do not doubt my intentions nor my resolve, because I think you’ll be able to tell that its different this time. Please be open with me, please let me say all this and so much more. Let me show you what I want for us: not this bullshit holding pattern, but an honest and loving relationship where we can both be ourselves with each other. This is all I want in life…you&meforever.