• What could I say

    by  • April 27, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 3 Comments

    When I drive I picture myself, for a second, driving into the oncoming lane. No hesitation. No after thoughts of the consequences.

    I pray that the darkness inside is temporary.

    How could I explain to someone the thoughts that run through my mind every day? I feel like I am screaming underwater and there is no relief. I am static, watching everyone around me moving on with their lives. I am stuck in the past and afraid of the future. I hold onto the memories and I don’t have the energy to make new ones.

    I want to help others because I can not help myself. I will be dedicating my life to heal their wounds, care for them and make life easier. When the only thing I want in this life time is for someone to help me out.

    I hurt you very badly. The one person who knew how to make the thoughts in my mind disappear. Who would tell me that things would be okay. I don’t have any excuses for what I didn’t do. I will regret my decision for the rest of my life.

    3 Responses to What could I say

    1. One way out
      April 28, 2014 at 10:17 am

      would be to apologise for what you did.

      If you need distance to do it safely, i.e., safe for you, send a letter or use social media.

      Embarrassment is what holds you back, dashed with a little fear the message will not be well received.
      It would take a very cold, unfeeling person to not accept a sincere apology, complete with full disclosure.
      Even the most hardened and hurt spirit would find it hard not to give you credit for taking this step.

      In the final analysis, you may not even be doing it for them, but for your benefit.
      It’s either a sense of loss, major regret, fear of your future that creeps into your mind, causing these thoughts while driving. You seem to have a conscience that knows right from wrong; another factor.

      It’s actually the easy way out.
      The difficult road to take is the one you’ve been traveling on. The relief you will get from such a letter, should lift any guilt you live with and the benefits of taking this action may astound you. Whether the elixir arrives as a strong healing to your sense of fair play and psyche or a moderate sense of relief, I doubt this would prove unsuccessful.

      It is my opinion, based on my training, that this would be a ‘no lose’ plan of action.
      It’s also my belief this act of courage and following the ‘do what’s right’ urge, inherent in the makeup of
      people who have a moral code, will be the action that makes thoughts of such self punishment, vanish from your mind while driving.

      I urge you to do this without delay,
      Any decision that has low risk and high upside potential is a positive move in the right direction.


    2. Lyttm
      April 28, 2014 at 4:14 pm

      I’m still here.

    3. other side
      April 29, 2014 at 6:12 am

      @One way out….I understand your advice to the author but as someone on the other side, their reply might not be accepted. I was hurt once like this. Had to pull myself up and begin healing. As soon as I started to feel better, they came back and apologized. I was angry and felt the apology was to heal their own pain, not necessarily mine. Maybe the author had no other choice (or felt they didn’t) at the time to treat someone so badly, but if they had opportunities to prevent the hurt when it was relevant and they repeatedly chose not to – it might seem completely selfish to come out of the woodwork now. Especially if the real motive is to have them back in their life. True apologies can be healing but sometimes the person on the receiving end might feel resentment or even guilt that they can’t accept an apology. I “forgave” prematurely and the person went on to hurt me again. It caused even more pain. It’s like reopening a barely healed deep, painful wound. Sometimes it’s better to just let them hate you; and move on.

    Leave a Reply