There is so much of life I haven’t lived. I should probably consider the fact that I’m only sixteen but most of my peers have experienced everything I’m scared I never will. Everyone I know has been in a relationship, has had their heart broken, and has had at least one person they could tell everything to. I have never had any of it. I’m scared I will never find someone I can call my best friend. I have friends but sometimes I think that the only reason they put up with me is because they feel sorry for me. There isn’t one person in my life who knows the real me. All the people around me have been told one of my many lies or simply just don’t want to know me. My mom thinks she knows me but doesn’t even know that I’m hiding such a huge part of me from her. My sexuality does not define me but it is a lot of who I am. Hiding my bisexuality has become one of them most difficult things in my life. How I’d like to scream it to the world. I want to be free, I want this huge weight lifted off of my shoulders so that my wings may sprout. I want to run from this small town that suffocates me and holds me in chains. I want to be free from my depression. I want to be free from my body. I want. I just want.
My feat dominates me right along with my want. Sometimes it doesn’t let me sleep, and allows my imagination to do as it pleases with my mind. Other times fear keeps me from hugging someone I care about, keeps me from being myself. I’m afraid to sound clingy, afraid to complain that I feel like I’m losing the one person I believed to be my real friend. It keeps me from asking my “best friend” why she can never be so free and easy going with me. Why we don’t have impromptu hangouts and go to the mall together? Why she doesn’t treat me like she treats her. Is it because I’m bi and the other girl is straight? Is it because my friend and I are both LGBT+ and she’s afraid that something might happen between us? All my life when I’ve gotten close to someone they always leave me for someone better. My father was the first, and she won’t be the last. I want to blame everything on him. I want to blame everything on my uptight mother who won’t let me go anywhere by myself. I want to blame my bad grades and lack of drive on my father who left me for some wealthy woman. Who left my mom without a car and forced us to forever ride public transport. I want to blame my sexuality on him. I don’t want to be different.
But I’m so thankful that I am. I am bisexual. I am different.
Yet even this difference scares me. What if I never find a girl who want to go out with me? I’m sixteen and have never been kissed. I’ve never experienced heartache. I’ve never loved anyone, not even my mom. What I feel for her is not love but it isn’t anger either. She fed me, clothed me, and raised me which I am thankful for but I do not love her. I do not want her to die but I am afraid that if she did I would shed no tears. I’m scared i cannot love. I don’t know if I can truly love someone.
I want so badly for someone to love me. To show me that I am capable of being loved. That I am not some hideous creature so awful and repugnant that no body can love. I want to meet the beauty to my beast. I want to love someone with all my heart. I want to hold her hand and kiss her chapstick coated lips.
There is so much fear and want that I’m sure it’s the only two things in my life. They are the only things I know I can feel. I do not want to be afraid, I do not want to want so badly.