I guess I’m writing this because I need to say this, even though I know it won’t help anyone but myself. There was a time when doing this even anonymously would have made me feel ashamed, but now it just makes me feel disappointed and sad that it’s not happening face to face with someone I can love and trust. I’m tired of biting my tongue and telling myself that all the work and commitment and sacrifice will pay off tomorrow, but tomorrow never becomes today. I thought being accommodating and kind and thoughtful would make people more loving towards me, but it hasn’t. I’m told I’m nice and loyal and etc., but instead of it inspiring kindness it only seems to encourage people to ask more of me. Even my strength seems to encourage people to give me the short end of the stick, because as one friend kindly put it; “I know you can handle it.”. I’m tired of being the one who’s expected to pull through anything and help with everyone else’s messes all with a smile. I want to be able to be upset, weak or selfish without having to be guilt tripped into suppressing my feelings or having them turned into a symptom of my shitty childhood. I’ve put other people first my whole life and always did my best to act like an “adult” ever since my mom left and my dad fell apart when I was four. All I want is to be treated like a human being with feelings and needs who deserves affection and respect even when I fall short of other people’s expectations. I don’t need my family or anyone else to try and make it up to me by taking me places or giving me things. I just need basic human intimacy like everyone else. I don’t understand why that’s so difficult for them to understand.