Facts of Life by Dr. James H. Doolittle
“Have you any idea how much tyrants fear the people they oppress? All of them realize that, one day, amongst their many victims, there is sure to be one who rises against them and strikes back!” ~JK Rowling
What types of Lies does the Narcissist tell?
Lying, is to the narcissist as breathing is to normal people.
1. Their first big lie, is WHO THEY ARE. A person who has no fixed identity will lie about the image they want to project and this will depend upon the audience who is watching them. Whoever they’re trying to extract supply from, will get a certain set of lies that pertain to the things that are important to them.
If you are a nurse, teacher or psychologist, the lies that will be sold to you will involve their empathy, their nurturing side, their volunteerism and position in the community. If you are religious they will lie about how much they pray, how important God is to them, and how they are spiritual. If you are a strong parent, they will regale you with stories about how parenting is their most satisfying role in life.
By lying, narcissists are able to shape shift identities to ape your valies, in order to get a foot in the door with you.
We all enjoy spending time with people who mirror our values. There’s nothing abnormal or vulnerable about having that natural selection process in our socialization.
2. The next big lie is how much they “love you”.
It is NOT love that a narcissist feels. They may call it love, they may use this word with you and you will think it means what love means to you…but it is entirely a different concept and in fact, a problem.
What the narcissist feels is ADDICTION.
They are able to discern the difference between you, who is likely naturally exuberant, confident, nurturing, loving and likely get along with others and are very well liked by people; something the narcissist is nowhere close to being.
The narcissist sees in us, something or someone they desire to be like. They envy who we are naturally, which touches off their innate shame of deep down inside being someone that cannot be admired or liked.
They hope that their connection to you, will give something to themselves that they can’t attain on their own. It’s an opportunistic approach to a relationship – not in anyway unconditionally loving or reciprocal. They know early on, that they yearn and seek to use, take and “get”. These feelings activate their dependency, fear of abandonment and shame.
As with any addict who is driven by shame, they will begin to attach to your envied qualities and feel the need /dependency as a strong obsessive urge. If you’ve ever smoked a cigarette and quit, you KNOW this feeling.
The narcissist will begin possessing you, controlling you, and ascribing meaning to you. The dependency and shame, creates a ton of fear and increased shame, which only spirals into the darkness of their addiction to the supply you offer.
You’ve heard it before, a person begins to loath the thing they feel they’re dependent upon – almost to tell themselves that “they don’t really need you!”
These are the feelings combined with lack of empathy that will eventually tear you down, even though it was NEVER YOUR intention to become their enemy.
3. The next lie involves how insecure and shameful they are.
Narcissists are obtuse creatures. Always covering up some “unfeelable” emotion like shame is a surefire motivation to keep one blind to one’s own character defects.
Narcissistic injuries are EVERYWHERE to a narcissist, because supply (YOU) represents a constant means of identifying who they are. It’s like they hold a mirror up to everything you say and do and ask “Mirror mirror on the wall….” If you have feelings over something the narcissist did that hurt you, the person in the mirror says to the narcissist, “You are NOT the fairest of them all”.
When your identity is not object permanent, anything can wrestle you out of it and upset the apple cart!
Narc Injury = Narc Tantrum
Get ready, because narc injury causes the narc to either rage loudly, bitingly, sarcastically, a dart to the heart, or they may seethe in stony silence. Passive aggressively letting you “know” that you did NOT play by the narcissists’s “mirror mirror game.”
Never mind that you were just, uhm…LIVING.
Oh no, YOUR identity is seen as a DIRECT THREAT to the narc’s shaky identity.
The lies here, that the narcissist tells themselves is that they feel no shame. They’re not insecure. YOU simply __(insert blame statement here) ____ .
4. Finally in their cycle of lies, they lie about YOU.
You: “I felt hurt that you yelled at me about cheating on you. I could never do that to you. I wish you knew how much I cared for you.”
Narcissist: “You ARE cheating. I know it. You don’t care about me. You only care about yourself. Alot of my friends ask me how I can put up with such a selfish person.”
You: (Not knowing which red herring to chase first ” I would never cheat! I even go out of my way to look away from men who flirt with me!” (being on the defensive only gives more ammunition to the narcissist, because they think you’re getting defensive – because thats how THEY would react)
I need to stop here. Just recalling how many twisted conversations I had with the narcissist like these, surrounding the same topic, reminds me how very much I needed to just go to sleep after speaking with him. (That was probably purposeful too; for if I was at home sleeping, I couldn’t be out cheating.)
You know this drill. The narcissist tells us so many lies about ourselves – projecting their flaws onto us – we start introjecting them. We defend, defend, until we’re so tired that we just take on the lie…and accept it, if that will just get the narc to stop emotionally beating us.
The final coup de gras in a narcissistically abusive relationship is noticed by the “Smear campaign”. Does this require explanation?
Its the equivalent of the political ads we see during a political race. A narcissist will shower their rage on you with ONE GOAL IN MIND: to ruin you.
Using the adjective “Liar” to describe a narcissist, isn’t just the bitter ramblings of a person scorned; recognize the liar label for what it is: A WARNING SIGN OF A NARCISSIST!