• Dream catcher

    by  • April 27, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Acceptance • 0 Comments

    I was never confident about maintaining our connection just as friendship either. Inevitably, with all of the emotions bottled up, our friendship would have turn into something else. I don’t know. That is why I kept on saying I need to let this go from earlier on, I guess. Because I know I cannot handle the dejavu-esque result. I am way too damaged to resolve this in ways that would bring you happiness. Even if we were together, I don’t think I would feel quite fulfilled due to scrutiny and self loathing. All I know is that we’re both too fragile to be hurt again due to inaction, over and over. In the back of my mind, I secretly hoped that you won’t contact me, hoped you would stay away from entering my life again. I didn’t know what kind of neutral relationship I was able to offer and with my vulnerability pinging me uncontrollably, I was frankly never strong enough to handle your judgements regarding how I turned out after the times we spent apart. I figured that if you did indeed contact me, I would leave it up to the moment to decide whether I can open up. This sounds like a broken record, but I simply wanted to express my lovey feelings to you. I didn’t expect anything in return. I am very aware that I hurt you in this process. I didn’t know what kind of life events affected you, and the emotions that were going through you at the time. I didn’t expect that expressing my feelings to anyone would bring so much harm. A simple crush cultivated from simple times of youth. Seeing how everything unfolded spiraling out of control due to expectations, I am convinced I should have just kept those feelings to myself. At least it would’ve been left as a fond nostalgia and not some kind of a maze. I cannot apologize enough, but I noticed that my apologies actually bring out dark reactions on your side. It constantly felt like “go away, come here”. I have no clue how to deal with this. I’m sure we’re both exhausted from overthinking.
    You have trust issues that prevents you from opening up and I have debilitating insecurities that leads me to feelings of inadequacy and hide. I think you have a flawed idea of me. I guess you must think I’m a materialistic prick or something. But then again, nothing was asked about me, so it’s not unusual. I have a budget car (and it’s 6 yrs old), I wear sweats most times, and I don’t live in a swanky house. It sucks living in a rich ass town that focuses so much on keeping up with joneses, but I just try to take it that I’m still decades younger than they are. People make fun of me that I must have Jewish genes because, often times, I’m cheap. I invest majority of what I make, as a prevention if I ever become full of myself and lose the drive and creativity. There are few hobby related things I don’t skimp on though. Traveling, audiophile/instrument related things, and theatre experience are few of them because those will become a part of me, inspire, and help me grow. I don’t have a support system here either, aside from the fact that I constantly have a person in the hofuse with me. It’s more like I have to give my best pretending I’m fine which is so difficult, because I don’t want to bother him about this after the first couple of times I went on a crying spree while drinking. Most people would lose patience at this rate. I am surprised you don’t have a bunch of friends backing you up, considering how extroverted you are. But I understand this ordeal is not exactly a walk in the park to share.
    What I read on here did more damage than you can ever imagine. I didn’t have time to really let it soak in last month or verify the patterns of coincidence because of a deadline. I did, however, have the time last few days. I tried to come off as bulletproof and nonchalant as I can, but those hurtful words that felt like spewed venom felt like gashes through my heart. No matter how much I try to see this in a good light, I discovered I’m no longer comfortable enough around you to tone down my vulnerability, both physically and emotionally. Damn childhood. Your trust issues, my self doubt and insecurity. We were doomed from the beginning. I hope we never cross paths again. Know that I meant all the things I said about wishing you happiness.

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