• by  • April 26, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Uncategorized • 4 Comments

    It is not healthy to keep visiting this site and holding everything in. But when you have no answers, no response, nobody to truly understand and feel the anguish, longing and helplessness — this site can either help you or keep you holding on.

    If anything, I thank the people who have kept this site alive. I makes me feel less crazy knowing I am not alone and this confusion, tailspin, heartbreak, phase or whatever you wanna call it.

    I have been almost everywhere, met alot of people. But every single time I am in a crowd, the more i feel isolated. Alone and longing for you. It is not helping to keep this mindset but it is also not something I can control, even if I have so desperately wanted to, all these years.

    For everything you have done I should be condemning and hating you but I am puzzled at how love is far stronger and instead of being angry at you, I am frustrated at myself.

    Why do I keep coming in and out of your life? Because you keep coming in and out of mine. You don’t talk to me. You give me snippets and this is not fair. It is cruel. How can you say you love a person if you can never give yourself wholly. You can find all the excuses in the world but love will never work on logic. Unless you love with your mind and not your heart.

    I say this true and I so mean it. I can give up everything, everyone for you. Stupid? Yes, love can be stupid but it doesn’t have to hurt this way now, should it?

    Why do I shut out on you whenever we have our brief moments of encounter? It’s because you have been consistent with your nonchalance making it come off as ‘I am happy with my life without you. Go away.’

    That’s why I pull away. I don’t know if I am being nuisance or worse, if you’re chuckling secretly at how much of a fool I have been for you all these years. It is unfair for you to judge and question my intentions or my sincerity when you have never allowed me into your world.

    You always have excuses upon excuses. Sometimes I think you never loved me and you keeping me on a string making me pay for the hurt other people has caused you. It is awful that I am always the verbal one. It leaves me with the unfair judgement that I am careless and I f**king hate how it makes me feel!!!! Not because I regret what I have said but because you always win with your silence.

    You have no idea how a day goes for me. Unlike you, I am not surrounded by any support system. I rarely go out now and I cannot even talk problems with anybody, not even family. Did I place this upon myself.

    Maybe. That’s why I say this not to complain but just to show you the contrast and how painstakingly difficult it is everytime I reach out to you. It’s not a spur of a moment thing when I do that. It takes so much courage and effort to defy my own logic every single instance I reach out to you.

    Don’t get me wrong, It is not an unhealthy obsession that all these years I just sit and think about you everyday, no. What I am saying is, I rarely open myself up to people. So, you can just imagine how painful it is to open up to someone whom you know and feel likes you and yet gives you all these reasons for not committing.

    You never do anything. That’s why I feel the worst stupid holding on. I want to wake up but can the dead truly awake? This is probably what hell feels like. to be in a constant limbo over the past. The sole person that sustains you is the very same one who keeps you from being alive. Questions remains unanswered.

    I honestly don’t know how to overcome this. All I know is between you and I, you’re the stronger one because you can face the world and get on with your life.

    4 Responses to

    1. I wonder
      April 26, 2014 at 7:55 pm

      “All I know is between you and I, you’re the stronger one because you can face the world and get on with your life.”

      Must be nice to have the choice to face the world or not – what makes you think your person has one?
      Just as an observer and maybe reading wrongly between your lines, it sounds to me that with the choices you made – you didn’t leaver him/her any other than to do (or pretend to do) just that.
      Chain reaction? Some parts of what you wrote struck a chord in me thinking of my situation.
      Maybe this helps giving you a different insight, maybe not. Felt like passing this on regardless.
      Best wishes to you and finding your way.

    2. think of yourself
      April 27, 2014 at 6:02 am

      After a very long time of being in a situation like this, I would gently suggest to you to leave this person in your past. You stated yourself that you are without a support system while they have one. Seems like they are able to watch you jump through hoops while they get the safety of non-action. Do they try to pull you back only when you leave? Do they give you mixed messages? Does interacting with them make you feel more confused; worse? Sometimes no contact is the only answer unfortunately. Think of your own happiness and not what they might/might not do. Good luck.

    3. Wow!
      April 27, 2014 at 12:11 pm

      You just described my life 🙁

    4. Wow
      September 4, 2014 at 7:06 pm

      You probably have it all wrong.

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