• You don’t know

    by  • April 24, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 7 Comments

    How badly I wanted to ask if you were okay? Your body language was screaming out for me to ask. It’s not that I am emotionally retarded, but that the last time I tried to break through your walls you ran, and have only just started to talk to me again. So this time with you standing in front of me looking so vulnerable, I know you know that I saw it. That sudden change in you. Even though I wanted so badly to ask, in that split second I chose not to ask. I chose to change the subject and walk away. Or risk you shutting me out again. My actions have got me questioning everything again. How can I be anything if I can’t be myself around you?It’s my innate nature to care, but I can’t with you because, I am scared of how you will react. So confused. So conflicted. So over it. Not you but just IT.

    7 Responses to You don’t know

    1. N
      April 24, 2014 at 6:19 pm

      Every day I ask myself why I can’t open up to you. And the only answer I’ve gotten, is that I’m too scared our connection will be so deep. Because the truth is, I’ve told you things I’ve never told a living soul. The vulnerability is killing me. I know you’re deeper than you lead on, and I know you’re more caring then you suggest/or offer. When I sit next to you, I just want to pour my heart out about my entire life, with or without booze. My adrenaline rushes and I can’t help but want to bury it in. Because I’ve never met someone I’ve wanted to tell everything to. I’ve never met someone that I feel like sees right through me. I just wish you would come over tonight and we could say all this stuff.

    2. e
      April 25, 2014 at 9:23 pm

      I liked it. That was from the heart. Dont give up on him. He needs you

    3. j
      April 28, 2014 at 8:01 am

      Don’t give up on her, she needs you

    4. Michael
      April 29, 2014 at 8:20 am

      This is not the real response to this message but it is my place to tell someone how i feel. My real name is not Michael but it doesn’t mater, maybe if she ever came across this she could work out who i am anyway but anyway here goes.

      Nicola, i love you. And i mean it in the way that you are THE ONE! How on Earth do i think i know that when i am already with someone ?
      Because of the way i know a mother loves her child and doesn’t question that. You don’t think before your child is born you can love anyone so much as say a parent or sibling (assuming you are not with your soulmate) then you have a child and you realise they beat everything. But you love your husband or father or sister still.
      Well Nic that is how it is for me, and i have never hurt anyone in love before so to think of leaving who i was with was terrible because i could imagine the pain. I never want that but then it doesnt matter because you don’t Know i love you and if i told you we wouldnt be friends anymore and i would lose that and i love you so much that i wont risk that.

      But here is what i see-Talent,Determination,Ambition,Beauty, Strength, Fragility too, as i know you just want to be loved, how ironic though that i would build the walls to protect you, have the arms to hold you and the ears to listen the mouth to kiss you and the words to tell you, yet all you can never know.
      When a man loves truly he should know and i do, so much so that he cannot see any but you as the worlds most beautiful, that is how i see you. You spoke of wanting to change certain things about you well you are you and that is all i want. What you are is all you need to be, nothing more.

      What i dream of is a life with you, and it actually is a physical pain to not be, i actually feel something in my chest like a dull ache, and i just think of you all the time. I would give anything to hold you kiss you and tell you i love you, and see happiness in your eyes because i said that.

      You know i love you so much that i pray that the man you end up with loves you this much, that he takes care of you and makes every day a wonderful day for you and you find happiness. I know your losses and could name a couple but then you would know immediately who i am.
      It is enough that i think that the past is the past and that every person who didnt want you, or belittled you will come to regret it in their lives.

      I would love to be there for you when you are sad, the shoulder to cry on the strength you need, and the strength i would draw from you would come from being in your presence.
      You are a light to me, when you are there i cannot help but smile.
      You are the part of me that completes my soul, i never knew before but i guess it is hard to miss soomething you never had but then bang you hit me with everything you are and my heart will be broken forever because i am not going to be with you.
      I am only pray to god that he washes this away from me because i cannot imagine a life like this, destined to watch you so close yet ever so far.

      You never were openly emotional, yeah you voiced opinions, and quietly spoke about feelings, but i never heard you say you want love, or a macho guy (i guess maybe not from some of the last)
      Anyway i do not have a clue how you see me, if i wasnt in the situation i am maybe i could ask you, or pursue a chance of happiness.
      But i cant so i am going to simply tell you what i would say to you if i was to be with you and you were to accept the one offer i wanted to make-

      I love you Nicola, people reference “the other half” but you truly are half of me, without you i am not all i can be nor do i feel complete. With you by my side i feel like i won every prize and trophy in the world. I am yours utterly and completely. From now until the end of time i will swear to love honour and be everything to you.

      Well there you are. You are an angel that lights up my life.
      I cherish the moments i have you in my life i do not know the future and i can dream but likely we never will be, but i pray to go daily for release from this pain by being with you or being able to forget you.
      I doubt forgetting is an option.
      In fact i Know it is not.. But i wish you to have everything i wanted to give you.
      In my heart and mind you are my darling and though my heart breaks and i bite back the tears because i must be strong not a weak man, i am so thankful i ever got to know you i am so sorry i could not feel this way to a person who loves me, i am sorry that i cannot be what i should.
      But i love you now an forever.

    5. Author @N
      December 31, 2014 at 5:34 am

      Assuming you where in fact my N, what now? Why this? How much longer are you going to hold out?

    6. Author @michael
      January 4, 2015 at 6:52 am

      Still in shock reading this comment. I cant really even find the words to comment back. I will never understand the mentality behind saying you love someone but will never be with them. Why? That is so painful to read, l almost wish you didn’t comment (no offense). “I love you but will never be with you”. Bullshit. While you could be my person, they are not with another. Well, they werent with someone when l wrote this. At least, they told me they wernt…

    7. Michael@Author
      January 5, 2015 at 2:17 pm


      Because she doesn’t love me, because i told her i loved her and it destroyed our friendship, because she now hates me.
      I don’t know why really, why she couldn’t have said ok look i don’t love you but thank you and if you think you can keep things as they have been eg, so i didn’t notice-we can still be friends.
      But if i had a choice i would fall at her feet and be with her to my awareness of her ceased to be.
      Love is strange, so powerful and not a choice but i have it, i have love for her and nothing would keep me from her but her. And that is why we cannot be.

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