I know you know of this place. But I figured that this was one of the things that your mind would not retain or let sink in. It’s served its purpose for me privately because had I said any of this to you, it would have caused more problems and misunderstandings.
My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place over the years in regard to you. This past year has been a doozy for sure as I’ve processed so many things that happened back then that affected the present and my future.
This thing of ours has been the one thing I could never truly get over, forgive, accept, or rationalize away. No matter the distance, time, and advances in my life, you have always been here in some capacity. Maybe it will be different now that you’ve entered this next phase in your life. As always, time will tell.
Because our minds work so differently, the things I’ve had to work on within myself become substantially harder and glaringly more apparent when you’ve been back in my life. So regardless of whether or not I truly believe in all that “hippie dippy” stuff, it has made a case for our half jokingly idea of soulmates.
I have tried to be thankful. I’ve tried to be understanding. But I’m not a saint and I have my needs. Which, become like what I can only assume to be like nails on a chalkboard in your world sometimes. And it sucks.
I know things have happened as they “should have”. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway to justify all the bullshit along the way. Life is just playing out and we are both chugging along in our own worlds. But you are at an advantage (which has always been my view on the matter) because you can block things out. I cannot. When I do it for any period of time, it changes me, makes me harder, and that negates any strides I’ve made since I was the girl who didn’t share her feelings until you’d yank them out of me.
I believe you think I have judged you along the way. If I have it’s because of our differences in the way we cope and ability to process information. I have to guess how you feel if you cannot, will not, or are unable to communicate.
I can go over and over our interaction and what happened and why, and all I do is exhaust myself. Especially knowing that unless you have reason or interest to, you won’t give it a second thought or you’ll be stuck in it. I know that one consistency is that regardless of what you or I have wanted, it seems to keep ending up the same. A big clusterfuck of confusion and then you “doing me a favor” by dropping out. Or you being a selfish asshole. Probably both. Yes, I’m joking.
I think I’ve finally discovered a way to explain how I’ve felt. Long ago there was a turning point in our relationship. You broke up with me because of something you felt strongly about. At the time I had no frame of reference as to why you felt so strongly about it. But at the time I thought of it as controlling. Anyway, I was devastated and during that time you began dating someone else. It was short lived and for some reason I was never really hurt about you doing that. What hurt was the pain of the break-up itself, the confusion, how you acted towards me during that time, and how seconds felt like years of pain. We got back together but later something you said fucking killed me. We were talking about how long we were together and I didn’t count the few months we were broken up. You sat there and told me that time didn’t count and you still counted it as time together in our relationship. It gutted me. I felt like all that intense pain I felt was extremely minimized and disregarded as though it never happened. But it did happen. So every time something practically traumatized me in our relationship or friendship, I knew that it was a pretty good bet you’d react the same way. Part of it might be your brain. But I also know you have great moments of clarity and use your issue as an excuse to rationalize things away sometimes.
You never give me closure. I never give it to myself. That word. Stupid word that means so much. I give you closure. Every time I’ve yelled. Every time I’ve understood. Every time I’ve stayed. Every time I’ve gone. Every time I’ve sat here butt hurt and watched you walk out of my life. Closure. An ending. A moving box packed away all but forgotten in a storage facility. I hate being in that stupid fucking box…