I don’t know what it is that makes a stupid person relive every emotion two years later. I hate this I hate myself I hate everything. I’m at work and my eyes are icy blue like they get if I cry or if I take drugs, which I no longer do anymore. With the exception of the day you randomly came back to town. I didn’t know you’d be there. Funny thing, about three weeks before that, I prayed you’d come back. I missed you so much, out of nowhere the feeling the smashed into me. So I prayed. I don’t pray often because there seems to be a coincidence that every time something bad happens. I think the call gets intercepted or something. But for the first time in 3 years I prayed again.
A few weeks later surprisingly I’m sitting on a couch that I haven’t sat on in two years when a car pulls in and they say its Luke (I instantly think I made that up) then I hear and his girlfriend. But I am convinced I have misheard them. But low and behold the swing open and here you are and then there she is. My first thought was you look so good I want to leave now. But I couldn’t move. So I stayed seated. I light a cigarette and look away. then i took a peak at her, at first I thought she looked like me. I was very jealous to see her hair was nearly the same color and length as mine, her skinny frame, and the bottle of dr. Pepper in her hand, did me in. Weird I know. The whole bloody thing is weird and senseless. I should feel nothing. Anyway I am jealous because she is beautiful. But i’m ok because she is beautiful. Then I look again and I see shes old. My mind had tricked me that first glance. I am overcome by jealousy and shame and nothing.
The girl you dated before me was almost supernaturally beautiful but crazy. And I always thought you couldn’t want me. Small breast, small ass, small everything. Compared to her it’s a in between meal time snack. But when I seen this girl was nearly 20 years older than me, I knew I was wrong. Don’t get me wrong she is pretty for a older woman. and i’m mad because she is close to your moms age. and i’m being petty because she just has what i want. So I turned to people beside me and said I came here looking for a 3. I had not. I’d been there an hour just bull shitting. But I thought why not. So I got two. That’s how I ended up at the next house you were at. Though i hadn’t expected that id have to give them a ride. I was sober a little over a year. But I didn’t matter I took what I bought and it sucked all the more. I didn’t even do the second one till I left. I wanted the old numbness effect but it seems ill never be there again. It wasn’t the dope it was me anyway the dope just helped. (by the way no worries, it’s been a month and I haven’t touched another one, it don’t have the effect i wanted).
But I still feel the same loss a month later.
A love that never reached it potential.
A girl to stupid to wake up.
I always held back because I didn’t think I looked good enough for you. i thought you were the best looking person. tan skin, beautiful eyes, and lovely thick hair, i can still feel it better my fingers. but I was always surprised we stayed together so long. Seeing her I know I fucked everything up because I just destroy anything that is good for me, thinking I won’t be able to keep it.
She’s great by the way. All my negative comments I know are irrational and senseless. No one else has ever sparked jealousy in me before. The other one after me was pretty so I could chalk it up to that. So when you asked me to take you to the store, my mind was swirling with this. You are the only guy I’ve ever loved and I laid it to waste. Over helping some mentally unstable person and thinking it was going to end over looks anyway. I know your not like that, but all your exes where pretty and the one after me she was too. So I small talked the time away and jumped out of the truck as soon as it was in park. My ignorant heart wanted to say so much. My brain said don’t ruin his visit. Don’t ruin anything for him. The brain wins out. But I will never again come around because I can’t handle it. It’s been a month and I’m still thinking like a fool. I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I doubted you. I also doubted you when you said you didn’t want to clean up your act, part of me thought you would, part of me thought it was a convincing speech. Part of me was numb at the time and worried because I was as messed up as you but I wanted us to have more and I thought I can’t help him. So when you laid the ultimatum I let you go. I cried right by the kitchen door even though we were angry. A part of me wanted to open that door, the other said let him go, he might meet someone who can help. But I’ll always miss the beginning when we were better off, both coming into the darkness. I think we held each other out of it for a few moments. I know you came at a great time for me in a while, but a bad time too. I don’t know if I would choose to redo it the same mostly likely I would choose to be friends until a few months ago. I think we could have had it all. We need well for two dumb kids with nothing. I miss the apartment the camper. All of it. Ill never have that again so I’m going to try to move past this. The simplicity is gone. so ill Find someone I can tolerate and fake the rest. Maybe ill believe it. I want to start a life with someone. I want it to be you but that’s spent. I feel like the younger me ruined my life before it ever got started. i know this is all so pathic, but younger me was tougher. one day the damn broke and the new me had her heart on her sleeve and couldn’t shake it off. I’m on cigarette # 12 and it’s still morning. It’s been like this for a month. So this is it. I can’t stand to be friends. I can’t stand to see your family. I will miss them too. They say there moving too. Life changes so fast it leaves me spinning. I’m going to try to catch a hold of someone and hang on before I walk up and the room is finally still, and its all over.