by  • April 23, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Gratitude • 0 Comments

    How I could be so cold sometimes, something I wished I could have explained to you back then.
    I have done a lot of learning about myself the last couple years with you and alone. Thank you for everything you have done for me. You can not know all you have done for me. I wish there was a way I could repay you. I mean that. With the same way you helped me, with helping you get a car, whatever because I owe you. The car because I should have drove that day but I loved riding with you .your kindness cost you that car we shouldn’t have had on the road at all. Back to the point…. I can’t repay you, I want to but you are gone. I could have tested you so much better. Had I, than I wouldn’t feel so miserable when I think back on the good times. Or today when I think back to the one guy I thought I could marry and have kids with. The guy I loved. There have been others since but it’s like a cheap inmatation. I really did love you. Was in love, something I have not been in since. I love other people. But it’s not the same feeling. Though its will have to do. I examined my doubt we would last becaus I thought you were too good, especially on the looks. I though I was just something for now because no one else was around but that isn’t all. I only realized what this was not to long ago.
    When I was a kid, I loved my dad. I didnt get to spend much time with him. he and my moms break up could fill a book with the memories but skipping all that they split, i wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I remember my grandmother trying to explain stuff that i didnt understand and i think she tried to make up for some of it. anyway, He would one over every day for about 1 hour. Back then and maybe now, i was lucky he came over at all so it wasnt looked down on or talked bad about ny anyone. it was the opposite. it was a good thing. and to be honest it was. but it was confusing. About half or more time was spent argueing with my mom or sometimes just talking to her. But he came every day. Some days more somedays less time but usually the hour. An hour is not much, and at first I tried to do things to get him to stay longer. Like cry. My siblings would too. Eventually I got mad and wouldn’t cry, then I acted totally uneffected. He bought it. Later he would brag on me for being tough. Then I bought it.
    If I got physically hurt, feelings hurt, whatever, I no longer allowed myself to cry. Eventually I didn’t feel like crying. I met his girlfriend for the first time and found out he had been living there for years, photos with him her and her 3 kids. I just smiled and said what a pretty picture. By then I only felt a slight tug for half a sec then it was gone and I was being genuine when I said it was a good picture. He started to take me more often around then. I could handle it I behaved and I didn’t get my feelings hurt. Turned out I had shut them off. It’s not his fault. He was young and my mom was difficult. At 12 my mom moved away. I didn’t let myself miss her either. I loved with him then and though sometimes it wasnt what I thought it would be like I lived there and there was no reason to think about anything else. I was kicked out at 16 and didn’t see any one of them for 3 months. I didn’t cry or let myself think about it. So when you offered to stay or leave and I didn’t say anything… When you left I cried…cried hard. Psychotically I still can’t stop the tears when I think about it. What could have been. For a moment I wish I was stone again. But then I hope one day emotions will pay off. I have learned showing your emotions can open doors rather than close them sometimes. Maybe I will love again and this time, with out fear and actually show it. I have 2 people to thank for cracking the concrete around my heart. Though it hurts like hell, I think it might be a good thing. But I will always wonder what could have been. I wish you could know it wasnt you. The problems I mean.

    Leave a Reply