• Conflicted

    by  • April 23, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Guilt • 14 Comments

    I miss you. It’s taken me awhile to come to this conclusion. To realize I am hurting for you. I’ve been filling my time and my bed with distractions. Keeping my mind from wondering to you. But today you hit me. I remembered you so unexpectedly, and it all came back. And suddenly nothing seems more satisfying than the idea of your arms wrapped around me. Of your hands all over me. Of your lips moving to produce sweet nothings. All I can think of is how I hurt you. I’m so scared for you, I want you to be okay. I want to make sure you’re okay. But if I’m honest with myself long enough, I know you aren’t okay. I know that you are completely broken. I know that I did that to you. I think that’s what scares me the most. I don’t want to be your destruction. I just couldn’t be our savior. Again. I knew from the beginning of our new chapter that it wasn’t right. I should’ve let you move on. I should’ve let you be happy. But I couldn’t. Because I couldn’t bear the thought of you with someone else. Because you are mine. You have always been mine. But I’m not yours. Maybe I am, I don’t know anymore. All I know right now, at this moment, is that my gut in restless. I’m yearning for you. For someone I shouldn’t have. I think I’ll always yearn for you though. If I listen close enough, I can hear myself thinking about you. Wanting to talk to you, to listen to you talk. To hold your hand, and kiss your lips. To fight with you, and cry over you. I’ll always wish that we could’ve been perfect. I’ll always wish things couldv’e been different. I love you. But I hate the person I am with you. I can’t be that person anymore, it breaks my heart. But you, my heart, my soul. You shouldn’t break because of this. I wish I could stop you from breaking. I want to heal all your wounds and still leave you alone. I want to nurse you back to health using someone else’s hands. I want you to find someone to make you happy. I want you to fall in love with her so much that you can’t feel my heartbeat anymore. I want you to let me go. But I’m terrified of what that will mean. Of you truly being gone. I have to give you away, but even at this distance, I still feel like your mine. But I’m not yours. And I haven’t been yours. I know you’d take me back anyway, but I can’t do that. I love you too much to do this again. I’m sending you love, my soul. Take it. Take all of this healing energy. Breathe it in, let it destroy the pain. Let it heal your wounds and leave no scars. Let it lead you to happiness. Out of the dark. I can’t be happy until I know you are. I can’t move on, truly, until I know you’re okay. Send me a sign. Please.

    14 Responses to Conflicted

    1. CJ
      April 23, 2014 at 12:03 pm

      Never again.

    2. @CJ
      April 23, 2014 at 12:30 pm

      You’re not my person.

    3. @author
      April 23, 2014 at 2:33 pm

      Most Men will never be able to logically understand this. I think we love differently, more objectively. If we truly love someone and that person claims to love us, we will never understand why we cant be with that person… until the love fades. But what if the love never fades?
      He probably feels like this:

    4. 1st post of mine
      April 23, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      Wow you JUST realized that you miss me huh. How unfair. *wink*
      You’re one of a kind. God bless you. Although it seems tougher this time around and my health is indeed in a pathetic state, I will chug along through this one again. So don’t worry about me. I have accepted that there are instances when loving someone doesn’t necessarily have to be about possessing that person in any way. This is the only way that I can get myself to calmly accept all of this. I am yours and you are mine, first and foremost. That in and of itself marks you irreplaceable. Everyone else was and is a filler. You are loved, timelessly. Remember this and it should set you free. Go and grab that person who can shoo away all this pain. Use your killer smile. I fell in love with that smile. Be happy, lover.

    5. I can't do that...
      April 23, 2014 at 7:53 pm

      I’ll surely be caught sending you a highway sign for my exit.

      Then things will be worse, because I’ll be in the pokey.

    6. tricia
      April 24, 2014 at 7:30 am

      see i disagree with first post of mine, but i think its rather difficult to say, at least loving someone though you’re unable to attain that.. my heart breaks everyday loving him. maybe im selfish in my loving him.. but the thought of never touching home, which i sooooo desperately wish i could, or to cuddle, experience the pleasure of each other or even just a conversation, to never achieve that, is heart breaking and painful (internally) to accept. i say if two ppl love each other (not sayin he does) than why not be together. yes there are barriers but when do those barriers become hurdles you can jump over? id jump a skyscraper for him.. not only make the jump effortlessly but land it 🙂

    7. No. Just, no.
      April 24, 2014 at 12:33 pm

      Okay. First off. If they were broken due to you, they would have already given you a sign. See, we as humans, have this annoying habit of forgetting that we are not, in fact, the center of the universe. You need to believe what you are believing because of something you are going through. That’s just how the human brain works. But that doesn’t mean someone is pining for you. The problem with reality is that every single individual has their own slightly altered version of it. Stop finding things to get hung up on consciously or subconsciously.

    8. @no.
      April 25, 2014 at 1:26 pm

      I’m sorry but not everyone deals with pain in the same way. Some people hide it, act dramatic about it, confront it, etc… You are not an authority on everyone, nor what people write about. I mean I could easily say you are disagreeing with this person’s view because it sounds conceited. And your annoyance is because you know you are conceited (and don’t like that about yourself) therefore what she says is rubbing you the wrong way. But hello, why she is writing only she knows and that’s for her. See how easy it is to be an armchair psychiatrist? But it sounds cunty to do so.

    9. lmao
      April 27, 2014 at 7:24 pm

      I am Fantastic. Life could not be better. Your absence in it is a gift to my life. Satisfied. Now please go away.

    10. @@no
      April 28, 2014 at 5:21 am

      Hello pot. Meet kettle. Absolutely nothing you said contradicts anything I wrote. Having a different opinion doesn’t make someone right or wrong simply because that’s the way you see it. It just means you disagree. And disagreements happen when you decide to post on a public forum. Such is the interwebs. Such is life.

      Point made. Thanks for helping.

      Extra point for using cunty, though.

    11. @no.
      April 29, 2014 at 7:10 am

      Clarification: It wasn’t your opinion itself that I was reacting to. It was delivery + assuming their situation = cunty (this pot’s opinion). Sidenote: I use the words “pot meet kettle” a lot too. Two points for you. Take care.

    12. U
      April 30, 2014 at 11:53 am

      @ CJ, you thought it was me. Na, it’s not.

    13. D
      May 8, 2014 at 9:27 pm

      it sounds all too familiar…I hope it’s you. 🙁

    14. AFL
      May 19, 2014 at 11:14 am

      if this is you, the date dose fit I around our last email exchange….its ok I forgive you. I’m still in the process of letting you go…and moving on. You shouldn’t feel guilty of standing your ground about your decision and I know its marvel that “he” looks like me but he’s not me. if you fell in love with him for who he is then you two are meant to be together…but if its because he reminds you of me….then well its up to you what to do with that….for the record I do want to be your friend again….but not right now. and don’t worry about me I am fine. feel free to email me whenever your ready to talk.

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