• some day

    by  • April 21, 2014 • To You • 6 Comments

    i just miss you. i was truly myself around you and that has yet to happen with any man since. you knew all of my twisty dark secrets and still loved me, though we never actually used those words. in a look during a moment with friends or in a message about something trivial, i knew. but i was so afraid of that and how i would have to deal with that once it was acknowledged.

    my best friend said it was going to be years before we could be together and she was right. i fucking hate it, but she was right. you and i were children then. we need to grow, mature, whatever…but i’m sick of waiting and feeling trapped and caring what anybody else thinks and rationalizing that you aren’t good for me. and maybe i idealized it, sure seems that way looking back.

    but i remember how i felt and i was happy. i wanted to be around you all the time. i KNEW you and still wanted you. and i mean the you that is genuine, not the clown you become around everyone else. the honest, vulnerable, beautiful version of you that hurts to think about.

    it hurts. that’s the best way i can explain my decisions and actions i guess. the pain is too fucking much and i don’t like feeling that way. i know that makes me a coward but all i can do is move forward and be content keeping this hidden part of me hidden. there just doesn’t seem like there’s a point right now. i don’t want closure, but i also don’t want to be with anyone right now. basically, until i can have you wholly i don’t want anything to do with you.

    but i still want you.
    some day.

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    6 Responses to some day

    1. @ author
      April 22, 2014 at 3:05 am

      Let me guess.

      You met through mutual friends? Dated on and off for a year or two? Both had emotional damage from previous relationships and were a bit overly cautious? Loved each other but were both too scared to actually tell each other? Unintentionally hurt each other in the process? Broke it off for good before a real relationship ever had a chance to develop? But several Days, Months, Years and Boys later your feelings are still there? No matter what you try or do you can’t shake the thought of him and how/what he made you feel? And the worse part is you know in your heart he still feels the same way as well?

      Something along these lines???

      If so, don’t worry. You are not going crazy. It’s called love and you should feel lucky to have experienced it even if it has been painful thus far.

      Trust me, “Some day” is no way to live. Until you find the courage to somehow share this with him you will continue to feel “trapped.” Another day/month/year of waiting. Hoping to mature enough to have the courage to love and be loved, is like being locked in prison when you have the key. Just let yourself out. Who gives a shit what other people might think. There are some things in life that should not be left unsaid. This is one of those things. Don’t let this be another Letter You’ll Never Send.

      Sincerely,
      Cupid




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    2. Gemini
      April 22, 2014 at 4:23 am

      I can grok this, entirely: I’ve been single for 3+ years for the very same reason. I suppose she’ll never know and it’ll be something that dies with me…




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    3. someone else
      April 22, 2014 at 5:52 pm

      Cupid, you make sense.




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    4. Flying high
      April 25, 2014 at 3:04 pm

      Cupid is right.




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    5. Snoopy Girl
      April 27, 2014 at 12:43 am

      im new to this forum but it sounds like you really love this guy. @author you said youve already held on so long, he needs to come back to you. I would still give him one more chancee tho, #someday could be sooner than you think 🙂




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    6. Same ol Same ol
      April 27, 2014 at 2:21 pm

      Don’t you enjoy sneaking a peek at letter between two lovers?
      He can recite the detailed account; no corrections necessary.

      Lol. I love the clever “i’m new to this forum” line.

      That’s another good one.




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