i just miss you. i was truly myself around you and that has yet to happen with any man since. you knew all of my twisty dark secrets and still loved me, though we never actually used those words. in a look during a moment with friends or in a message about something trivial, i knew. but i was so afraid of that and how i would have to deal with that once it was acknowledged.
my best friend said it was going to be years before we could be together and she was right. i fucking hate it, but she was right. you and i were children then. we need to grow, mature, whatever…but i’m sick of waiting and feeling trapped and caring what anybody else thinks and rationalizing that you aren’t good for me. and maybe i idealized it, sure seems that way looking back.
but i remember how i felt and i was happy. i wanted to be around you all the time. i KNEW you and still wanted you. and i mean the you that is genuine, not the clown you become around everyone else. the honest, vulnerable, beautiful version of you that hurts to think about.
it hurts. that’s the best way i can explain my decisions and actions i guess. the pain is too fucking much and i don’t like feeling that way. i know that makes me a coward but all i can do is move forward and be content keeping this hidden part of me hidden. there just doesn’t seem like there’s a point right now. i don’t want closure, but i also don’t want to be with anyone right now. basically, until i can have you wholly i don’t want anything to do with you.
but i still want you.