I have been sitting here, staring at my phone for what feels like days, but it’s really only been about 5 hours. It’s sitting on my desk while I work. I keep playing the same songs over and over again. Some new, some old. Mostly sad. I am waiting for you to say something. To say anything. Anything aside from “how awesome” it was.
I don’t regret what happened between us. Any moment that I am close to you makes me feel like I am closer to God. It makes me feel that love actually exists, and that every single part of my body can feel like it’s on fire. And even though I am insanely attracted to you, and nothing feels quite as incredible as you do, I can say that sober. I can look at you and get those same amazing butterflies that made me do unspeakable things with you. Because I’ve said them and done them before.
I texted you the other morning after it happened and I laid in my bed, freshly woken up from a dream I was having about you, and with the most pure, innocent smile on my face, sent you this:
“I miss you, I love you, have a great day at work.”
And all I got back was:
“You too. Do you regret it?”
Is it weird that as much as I should regret it, I truly don’t? Because since it has happened, you have barely spoken to me. Since it has happened, my entire life flip-turned upside down and I almost lost everything. I left my house. I almost lost my house. I could have lost everything because of what happened between us. And when I called you, I reached out to you, I texted you because I needed you… I needed you, and you weren’t there. Shocker.
And not hearing from you? Maybe that’s the closure I needed. I have been waiting to hear from you… something, anything, other than how “awesome” it was… and nothing. You think you kissing me 5 months ago and ignoring me for 5 months was hard? This is killing me. I don’t know what to think. I honestly feel used and disgusted with myself because I let you do this to me yet again. Yetttt again. I’m an idiot.
You sat there and looked me in the face and held my hand and told me that everything was going to be okay. That if anything happened, and I made the decision to leave, that you would be right there. That you would do anything for me. That you would be there and do whatever you could do as long as I talked to you. That we were meant to be together. That everything was a sign. For the first time in forever… maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was the atmosphere, maybe it was the high that came from you kissing me the way I’ve wanted to be kissed for ages, and the way you smell, and the feeling of your touch… but I felt happy. True happiness. At peace. So content and sure of everything. Scared, but sure.
All I have honestly ever wanted was for you to love me back. For you to step up and be the man that I needed. I can take care of myself just fine, and I’ve proven that for years. I don’t need anyone. But I need someone strong and trustworthy and someone that is going to stay by my side when shit gets rough, and we haven’t even set sail yet and you already jumped ship.
I can’t do this to myself again. I can’t get caught up in you again. I can’t lose myself and my life and my future for someone who can’t make up his fucking mind and decide what he actually wants. Because you can’t.
Thank you for reminding me, yet again, that it’s not me. Fool me once, shame on you…. fool me for the thirteenth time… well apparently I need a shrink.
Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I held on too hard to you and you were right. Maybe we shouldn’t talk. Maybe it’s worth feeling like part of my soul is missing because I would rather feel that on a daily basis than get hurt by you again. I gave you all of me. You had ALL of me. I’m sorry. I get you’re going through shit, but shutting me out for the past couple of days and not being there wasn’t fair to me at all and it shows me where your head is at. Nothing’s changed.
I truly hope you know how much I love you. I’m sorry you wouldn’t let me.
I really hope you figure your shit out. You could make someone so amazingly happy some day if you could just figure out how to let yourself be happy… make yourself happy…and I hope you do it soon.