• Being Honest With Myself

    by  • April 21, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts • 3 Comments

    That could have been me. It was me at one time but I was not happy when it was. So much drama. So much instability. I felt more insecure with you than anyone else. I’m not blaming you, I just see that we were incompatible. It’s funny looking back. I remember feeling all was okay in the world when we were actively doing something together, but all those fights, the unemployment, the lies, the addictions, the accusations…I felt like your enemy a good portion of the time. And the punishments. The ignoring. In the end you told me you knew you were dragging me down. Part cop out, part truth I suppose. I loved you though. I cared. I understand that some of it wasn’t intentional. I understand that part of it was your physiology. But I also know you use that as a crutch when you just don’t care. I think the greatest pain I’ve ever felt, is when you have hurt me and then minimized what I had gone through. You just don’t get it. I really don’t think you know how to feel empathy. I can’t wrap my head around what happened recently. The contradictions. The flip flopping. I mean I know logically what happened and I’m not hurting like before. I realize what you did isn’t normal. It’s crazy actually. And the only thing I really regret is letting you have that power over me that you used to. That power of making something completely insane sound plausible.
    I literally had to see you do this to someone else before I let it all register. It’s taken a long time for me to accept. It’s still sinking in really. That could have been me. But honestly, I really need to be thankful it isn’t. I really do.

    3 Responses to Being Honest With Myself

    1. Ilym
      April 21, 2014 at 11:47 pm

      God I wish this was you and we could talk. You have no idea what I went through and what all was told to you as lies. Some things were true, yes. But I could’ve explained my past. MY PAST. And the people in it turned things against me. I need you. There are so many things I NEED to explain. I say need because I care about you. The rough patch in my life is over. The unemployment, addictions, all of it. I’m not as terrible as things seemed back then. I promise you. And especially now. Give me the chance to tell you. No expectations – just honesty. You destroyed my heart. People say crazy things when they are hurt or angry. I did, and I’m sorry. So so sorry. Just think for a second the way you felt the first time we kissed. If you can honestly say there’s nothing there anymore, I promise you will never hear from me again. Believe me when I tell you I would not hurt you now intentionally, regardless of how much you hurt me.

      I love you.

    2. Ilym
      April 22, 2014 at 12:09 am

      I said things because I was hurt – destroyed. I never meant it. I will always love her…

    3. author
      April 22, 2014 at 10:06 am

      Sorry you are not him. My person is happily living their life planning a wedding after narcissistically fucking me over. Good luck with your situation though.

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