• To my soul mate who will never love me again

    by  • April 18, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    I can’t sleep right now….it’s 4:30 AM. I can’t get you off my mind. You broke up with me seven months ago today. When I counted the months as we first started dating, I never imagined I’d be counting them after we broke up. I really believed that we were going to be together forever. I was convinced that someday I’s have the privilege of being your wife. We acted just like an old married couple anyway….of course, that’s pretty typical of a four year relationship. These last few months I’ve actually thought about you a lot less. But like Sara Bareilles says in her song “Gravity”, “something always brings me back to you, it never takes to long”. It hurts to still live in the same town as you, to pull up next to your car at a light, to see you at the gym. The pain feels like a knife ripping deep into my stomach. I’ve been trying to play it off like everything’s okay. I’ve been pretending that I’m healing and that it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. Well, it does! Here we are seven months later and it hurts even more. It hurts to see you doing even better with out me. It hurts to think that I still pine for you and that there’s nothing I can do to be in your arms again. I can’t believe you’re gay. Before you came out to me, the thought crossed my mind. After I called you and said that I’m still madly in love with you, the reason you gave me for not wanting to get back together was very vague. You said that there was something that happened to you that would prevent us from being together again. I thought “what if he’s gay? He could be!” Especially after seeing you in the ensemble of a musical at a LGBT community theatre. But the thought was never concrete enough for me to fathom. After the connection we shared, I didn’t believe that you couldn’t love women. Don’t get me wrong, I totally know that that’s who you’ve always been…there are so many logical reasons for why you couldn’t be honest with yourself….but still! You were in love with me. No person has ever made me feel so special. We were such a dynamic duo! I can’t believe how much we talked about marriage and raising a family together. My heart breaks for the fact that we won’t see that play out. Our children were going to be so amazing! I dreamt about being pregnant and having your angelic voice sing to my tummy. To have you rub my aching feet, to hold my hand while I waddled around everywhere, to watch your reaction as you held our precious baby in your arms for the first time. I don’t know how I’ll be able to marry someone else with those thoughts in my mind. I know that they’ll eventually start to fade. More time needs to pass! But still!!!!! I still believe that you are my soul mate. The way I felt about you in my heart is indescribable. You made me understand the lyrics of love songs. I felt them with every fiber of my being when you came along. It made me a better performer. Singing feels so foreign now. I’m trying to keep pursuing it! I’m so passionate about it. But everything that has happened in the last year has torn me down. I have no motivation whatsoever. Sure, smoking weed everyday didn’t help either. I know that since I’ve quit the emotions revolving you have to really be felt. I’ve been numbing them for so long! That’s why I’m still awake at this ungodly hour. My thought process has reverted back even further! Now I’m reminiscing about our most fun and romantic moments together. It kills me! It kills the hope I had in my heart. I wish that this cloud would lift. I know that it will once I start figuring out my life a little more. It will also lift as more time goes by. However, in the deepest part of my soul, I still wish that you’d come back. That one day you’ll just change your mind and remember how good we were for each other! Nobody will ever love you as much as I do. No matter what happens, you could come to me and I’d help you. You are in my heart forever. I wish you knew how I’m feeling. But I also don’t. I’m glad that you can move on with your life. That you’re determined to follow your dreams and be the man you’ve always wanted to be. I’ll be the same old me for a while. My heart still belongs to you and until another man comes along who’s personality clicks with mine like it did with yours…I will still be as deep in love with you as I was four years ago when you stole it. Your vibrant personality, generosity, infectious humor, and mind boggling intelligence all still have my heart. I only wish the best for you. But I wish I could be there to support you in all of your successes. Take care my unforgettable soul mate. The universe has big plans for you!
    -Forever yours, J

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