• i loved you, you sanctimonious bitch, i love you.

    by  • April 18, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 3 Comments

    you weren’t there. your smile on your face tells the truth of it, you didn’t see me stagger as i read that message, the message you sent because you were too much the coward to tell me face to face. you didn’t see how every word in it was a body blow, how my eyes flared and then died as they witnessed a future cease to exist. so you can’t know. you can’t know how seeing you even now lays me to waste, the ache i feel inside when i’m in your presence. i came because you asked, but i realize the error now, too late. i hid it from you because even after all of it, i didn’t want your lasting memory of me to be of my weakness, of my failure. of course i drank. but both she and you had the wrong of it. i wasn’t drinking to forget. i was drinking so i would always remember. i made sure that i remembered that pain, that loss, that incredible sorrow, to make myself strong, to make sure i would never succumb to such a thing again. and also, maybe because i didn’t want to forget you, i didn’t want you to become a memory, because i loved you fiercely and well and completely, and i don’t want that feeling to go away.

    3 Responses to i loved you, you sanctimonious bitch, i love you.

    1. a stranger
      April 18, 2014 at 8:18 am

      Your letter hit me like a ton of bricks. Not because we know one another or I know what you’ve been through. But because you gave me a window to see what “my person” may have been feeling at one time and how difficult it is to understand someone else’s point of view when clouded by our own pain. I’m sorry you are hurting.

      I can only speak for myself but sometimes there are people who are desperate to know the truth of how someone else feels. And there are others who hide that truth as a means of self preservation. The ones who need that truth might push to get a reaction ( good or bad), just to know if they even mattered. All I know is that it is extremely hard to communicate with someone who can mask their feelings and or seemingly avoid. No one is a mindreader and it can turn into a very explosive situation which can result in the most negative of circumstances.

      Thank you for the insight. Please know that you helped someone else in pain. I wish you luck and speedy healing.

    2. April 18, 2014 at 8:50 am


      You were disguised as a pool table and the woman, not knowing, racked your balls.

      I know what you mean and empathize with your pain. So you’re not the Lone Ranger

      Mine, who wouldn’t qualify as sanctimonious as she posted too many “I’m available for love” messages on Facebook (to her hidden [from me lover(s ?) ….I loved, too. She wasn’t perfect. In hindsight, she was a bigger pain in the ass than any ‘problem child’ I had been with prior. Possibly put together…

      As in S <(L+P+R+J) But we had a history and were very close.
      I'll never know if it was real, because she was a Narcissist. The love seemed sincere, but they are also great actors, worthy of Academy Awards. That's how they snag you.

      The experts on this personality disorder, unanimously agree, that in the first 6 months you will be showered with love, and the receiver/emotionally used /abused has the thought (and the joy) of feeling
      "Wow, I have just met my mate for life. I've never felt so loved."

      And this is how the clever woman in sheep's clothing, traps you. You feel this immense bond, you reciprocate, your defenses all come down and you are willing to 'surrender' to her. I remember the woman before the 'love' I speak of. When she said, 'Then surrender to me' i must admit, it was a shocking request. That's pretty heavy stuff being thrown around.

      The 'normal' person trusts others.
      The un-scarred by love, the non jaded, the one who looks for the good in people, takes this request as coming from one who is completely sincere, wanting you to confirm that you are serious. She seeks the assurance that you won't jerk her around, that you will commit yourself emotionally to her (and to a large degree, your life) and this becomes the 'test question' confirming the start of a union of two who care very deeply about one another.

      It's pretty hard to hesitate at such an offer. I answered without hesitation, honored to say 'I surrender.'
      Now this one, I'll never know the answer. There was a fight and my past (combined with questionable behaviors on her part) made my BS antenna go up. I wasn't going to tolerate BS so it ended.

      But let's return, full circle to "The One." The antenna was going up too many times. I gave her every benefit of the doubt. I wanted this to work. Ultimately, after more 'advertising' on Facebook (I had left FB as I just didn't want her semi flirty exchanges to be 'the straw of the Camels ass' …I'd rather let her 'be her' and not know about it. You have to give someone space and a degree of privacy, at least in my book.

      I returned one day only to find an overt, "F**k me" video posted on her page. I was off, her friends knew all knew it, so it sure wasn't directed at me. It was at the very least, embarrassing.

      You know, this started out as a "We were close, I loved her deeply and hoped to end it at least on good terms" to compliment the authors emotions, but after an unsuccessful search for the song that ended my commitment to her ….(how are you doing E.M? ) I'm just pissed off.

      What the fu*k was I thinking? (I was thinking I wanted to have peace in The Universe and not harbor thoughts like this…so I was, I suppose, wanting peace for myself.)

      I think I'll side with Annie Lennox on this thing. She has class.

      Mine didn't.
      It makes me me want to cry.

      Annie Lennox 'disturbed and dismayed' by 'overtly sexualised' pop performances
      Singer Annie Lennox has criticized a "recent spate of overtly sexualised performances and videos", and accused record companies of "peddling highly styled pornography with musical accompaniment".
      "Little Bird"
      "Walking on Broken Glass"
      "No More "I Love You's""
      "A Whiter Shade of Pale"
      "A Thousand Beautiful Things"
      "Pavement Cracks"
      "Love Song for a Vampire"
      "Dark Road"
      "Pattern of My Life"
      "Shining Light"

    3. what the?
      April 18, 2014 at 1:43 pm

      @Tonto…I’ve been known to be a ballbuster at times but if this chick said “Surrender to me”, holy cow how wacky is that? Side note: I’ve always been partial to “Why” by Annie Lennox myself.

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