And that’s why it had to be this way doesn’t it? My flaw is that I didn’t let myself see everything good and bad as it was happening for what it truly was. I reacted to all of this in such a way when even I wasn’t sure of my own feelings.
People react to loss in various ways. That’s it. I used to wish I was like you. Sometimes I still do but nothing good ever came from me shutting down personally.
I wish it wasn’t like this but you know I did everything possible to try to change it. You know.
Maybe it turned out this way because you don’t care. Maybe it did because this was the one real consistent thing and it had to be pushed away to somehow remain. Maybe it’s because it’s hard to deal with a truth you feel you can’t change. Maybe it’s a combination of everything and nothing and you bury it.
All I know is that I miss you sometimes. Thoughts of you anger me sometimes. Sometimes I’ll feel something that reminds me of you and I can’t swallow. But most of all I know I love you and accept all our past. And I would do it all over again. <—-you told me the same thing a long time ago once.
I don't know if I'll ever see you again. One thing I know for sure is that one day you will want to. Even if it's just to see how I am. I just don't know if we'll ever want the same things at the same time.
For what it's worth I miss you and I wish things were different. I wish you wanted them to be different too.