• You broke every part of me

    by  • April 15, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    I waited my entire life to fall in love and after so many fighting to be the one I gave my heart to, it was only you I could hand it to. I never held back with you, I gave you every single part of me, I did every thing to make sure you knew you were loved, you were the man I loved, my king. You became my world. I was so happy, even when other parts of my life were falling apart I was still so happy because I was with you. You made me believe in myself,that I was finally good enough, that you wanted and loved me. But that wasn’t true. You were cheating on me, lying to me, forcing others to lie to me for you. You talked badly about me, brought my worst insecurities out and used them to get what you wanted from another. I knew, I didn’t want to believe it, I didn’t want my heart to break, so I believed the lies that didn’t make sense, I took the accusations and blame you threw at me of not wanting to be happy, I let you make me feel bad and like a crazy person when I dared to ask questions about all the evidence otherwise. Didn’t you see how much it hurt to have to ask? I didn’t want to, I died inside every time something else came up. Then finally the truth comes out. Go to sleep happy and planning for our future, to be woken by you telling me everything I had feared was true. If I had woken to you stabbing me, it would have hurt less. I still cannot sleep sometimes for fear of what I will wake up to, I started staying up and waiting for you to come home because I was terrified of what could happen if I fell asleep. Even now, finding out more, it makes me relive all the pain, each cut hitting deeper, wondering how far can my love go before I hit my limit and have to walk away? Finding out you saw her on my birthday, that you claim it wasn’t a good confrontation and it was over by then, but you still went on to tell her after that you still loved her and missed her and she was beautiful. On my birthday. There wasn’t anything about me that was sacred enough to you that you couldn’t stop yourself and just not do it that day! It was already such a hard day for me, I needed you to keep just one promise you had made to me about that day and you didn’t. No breakfast in bed, no making it a good day. The whole weekend was a disaster. I may have stayed, I may have forgiven you. But I don’t think I’m going to be able to be around you at all on my birthday this year because of that. Because I love you so much, I stay, I wait and hope that I made the right choice, I know I could never love anyone else again. Sometimes I just want you to make me feel like you did before, even though it was all a lie, a beautiful lie that would only break my heart. But I felt special and loved for the first time in my life, and I guess I hope to feel it again and that because it was you, that only you could accomplish it again. Sometimes I feel like we can have that chance and other times I know that you’re not really going to continue to fight, you’re not going to keep your promise to prove to me your love and trust. That hurts so much, that after everything that’s happened, I’m still not good enough to you and that I have to realize that and prepare myself for the day I never wanted to come. God I love you so damn much, I always will, you broke every part of me and all I ever needed was for you to fix that but I guess it’s too much work. I’m sorry that I wasn’t ever enough to you I tried so damn hard. I’ll always blame myself for it no matter what you tell me, because it wouldn’t have happened otherwise, and it wouldn’t be so hard for you to love me back together again if it wasn’t my fault. When the time comes, I hope you can find someone who is enough for you. I’ll never love again, it’s impossible now, my hearts too broken, but too full of love for you to ever love another. Ti amo per siempre il mio re

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