• It’s Probably not Hopeless

    by  • April 15, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    I’m afraid that my thoughts about ending my own life are going to become more intense. How do you know if you are actually suicidal? I want to be able to speak to a counselor soon.

    I fear that I am not performing well enough in my job. It stresses me out every day. And perhaps I am wasting my time worrying about things. I tell myself that I should be a “doer” so that things get done. :/

    I feel upset and immature, especially about the choices that I make, which later turn around to hit me in the face. I get upset about everything and guys. I let myself trust the nice ones, and they are probably the most dangerous because they easily manipulate.

    I feel stupid when they don’t own up to their own decisions, even though I know that it is also partially my decision, that I must be more assertive. Yet it’s ironic when the person who is manipulating me is telling me to be more assertive. I wish that others would realize connections like these, instead of “not thinking too deeply into things”.

    It feels as though you are excusing your behavior and denying that you’ve done anything. You are denying me of a much needed apology. I feel torn and confused and unorganized, which is causing me a great deal of anxiety. I want to float on and have a more level body, mind, and spirit. Can’t you see I’m suffering?

    Perhaps you do, at last. Perhaps now you want to be responsible. I’m afraid after all of this, we wont actually speak anymore. I hate being thought of as a burden and I don’t want you to think I’m crazy.

    -Lestial

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