It wasn’t quite what you thought it would be you know. Yes, it had been 30 something years since I had given my heart away but I’m not traumatized. I mean…I am not swearing off women or hiding my heart behind a rock now.
Yeah, its been only maybe four months? Probably less than 50 emails. Probably less than 40 phone calls. 9 face to face meetings and one of them being way too impetuous on my part. Innumerable love makings, probably far more than the average couple our age can even consider huh. And I took those specs with me as we parted ways. Numbers. Numbers that meant this was never a serious thing. Numbers that meant..this should not hurt. Numbers that meant…this can be rationalized away easily..life goes on!
You know how analytical I can be. I take everything apart to its basics. I try so hard to be objective and I am absolutely not a dumb woman. Well I took the whole damn relationship apart expecting to find paper airplanes and you know what I found? I found love. Strange huh? Real love. Not attempts at getting what I wanted. Real strong soft caring stuff that amazes me. Walking through the minefield of our relationship I found pieces of heart that totally amazed me. I guess I truly love/d you. It feels so strange to look at these pieces in front of me. I have not seen these feelings coming from me in so long. Warmth? Desire? Passion? Caring? Knowing?
I can still feel you in my arms. I can still taste you. I can still reach for you and feel your slip into me. I close my eyes and experience these things and expect to find my own inner needyness or lust? No…I find such amazingly deep tenderness! Love. surprise!
You brought out the best in me and once out…there was no place for it in your life. And I thought I could just step away painlessly…like you are doing now.
I talk to myself constantly. All the way to Frankfort to get my kayak rack and back I babbled to myself on how this was never meant to be..how I should have seen it..how it can never ever happen..how the facts were just laid out there so early..how our personalities are so incompatible… my wild passion and emotion and your need to have a lover who fits into a surplus niche. Wow! it was so easy to see it. So easy. But when I got home and put a brush into my hand and my gut roared into life… my inner self screamed….YOU LOVED HER YOU FUCKING FOOL! you really truly LOVE her! and its not going away with your silly words. Its not going away easy…its going to tear itself out of you in the same way it ripped out of your heart to find her.
This is going to be a rocky road…
I can do this but this time?
I will never deny my heart its freedom again