The starlings are singing. It’s dead dark out there and yet they have decided to sing.
I can’t yet get over you. I know we are mismatched. It was so fast and yet so intense but I got a huge surprise when it was ended… I really truly deeply love you! And I loved loving you…every moment of it! I didn’t expect this. I thought that hearing you accuse me of whatever that was would piss me off enough to blind me to what my heart was saying. Not so apparently.
I love the gray blue of your eyes.
I love your laughter and how it sings.
I love how you brush your hair out of your eyes and how the light makes the colors glitter in each strand.
I adore that fuzzy baseball cap and every little cat hair it attracts. You look good in that color. When I picked that cap up at Malones? I put it to my nose and I swore I could almost sense you! I must have looked funny driving down 75 with a cap under my nose but then I didn’t care. I was/am so deeply in love.
I love the way you allowed me to love you. I never ever wanted anyone so badly and when I told you that I really did make love to you…I meant that because every touch came from my heart. That’s why I could not stop.
I loved our silly picnic. It was so much fun feeding you. It even made me feel giddy when you called me the hostess. Embarrassing but I guess to be honest..you could have called me the devil himself, and probably you want to at this point, and I would have loved every minute because it came from you.
I loved listening to you. You may have thought that I was kissing your ass to get into your heart but that was not true. I did read your works and I was amazed by them and I still say that they are good and maybe I will never see you again but I think you should write that book. You are an excellent writer and the way you put your thoughts on paper is creative and interesting. I love what you do. I respect what you do. I still believe that in your core of what you are doing you do reconnect people with the truth of what is “home”.
I wish I had listened better. I still can’t remember what the white barked trees are.
And I did like your visitors. You thought I didn’t? The mother was so talented and gentle. She kept showing me pictures of her work after she told me that she only shows them to family. I was so honored! Her work is so intricate! I liked the sense I got from her too…gentle but fun.
I remember the day I decided to send you the roses. Did you know that it was more fun for me to send them…imagining your smiles..as it was for you to receive them? I do not regret a thing! It was so much fun talking to the florist getting the exact box and card. To be able to put my heart into those silly flowers meant more to me than anything.
I loved you from almost the moment I read your bio. Something snagged my heart so hard I had no clue what was happening. And I have loved you every day since then! And I don’t know why. When I blurted out that first “I love you”? God, girl…I had been holding that back for so long and yet I knew it was somehow too early.
I remember sitting across from you at Malones absolutely mesmerized by your smile, your laughter, and your character. I loved how the light played in your hair and I wanted to slide my fingers through it. You were everything I knew you would be and more. My breath caught and at the end of that night, all I could whisper to myself was “damn!”.
I should have listened to you when you told me that there was very little room in your life for me. I was a fool. I had no clue at that time that I would fall so deeply in love that I would want to be with you so much more. And, you may not believe me, but I did hear you and, despite my sadness, I respected your wishes. I was all crazy teen ager style nuts in love and the worse I got, the more I sensed I was losing you. To be honest?…I had no clue I would fall so hard. There was no way that all of that amazing stuff could have fit into that space you had allotted for it. Gad, I wanted so badly for you to feel as stupid about me as I felt about you and it simply wasn’t going to happen. Not anybody’s fault. Except that I whined a lot and acted like an ass..but even that could not have impacted the inevitable. So I know it’s not meant to be…….well I am supposed to know it. Maybe in my heart I refuse to accept it.
I want you to know that I love you.
I understand that it would be practical for me to simply cut my losses and move on with my life but for some reason, I was never a practical person. I live from my heart. And my heart misses you. So until my heart decides its time to move on, I will allow it to remember you and how much you touched me.
You always said that I would be a difficult person to forget. Well, maybe it’s because on some level we connected. And maybe I just can’t be that woman who just shrugs her shoulders and walks away. Maybe I’m more than that.
So here I stand at the corner of the Internet opening my gut to everyone, knowing that everyone does not include you and that’s ok.
I love you