I got hurt. I let it happen. Why? The answer I came up with is “I needed to know if I was wrong when I made a decision years ago”.
Of course, the past is the past but this was as close to getting into a time machine and having a “redo” as I was going to get.
I let someone go years ago. I’m sure many can relate to the extreme highs and lows that come with a dramatic and youngish relationship. I will save you the drama of the specifics, but it was extremely unhealthy in the end. Four years together.
I moved on and they moved away and moved on as well. Over the years we’d reconnect over the phone and over the internet. It happened every few years or so. Like a cliche it happened when we had problems and break-ups with other people.
But neither one of us moved to really try again. We called each other best friends. (Oh the shit we tell ourselves and eachother to justify our actions.)
We went as far as taking a trip together after three years apart. We bought time; created a little bubble just for us. To this day I don’t know what that was except excruciating when we parted ways again.
Why did we part ways? I don’t know. Fear of failure? Not wanting it enough? Not wanting to risk anything? All the above?
We had sporatic contact off and on over the next three years. We counseled one another on our relationships, wasted time together. It was good. It was horrible. Masochistic even.
Why subject oneself to that kind of pain? Why not let go? We did. After 10 years he did. He cut off all contact without a word. I was devastated.
Four years later (last year) he explained that cutting contact was a hard choice he made for the both of us. I understood. The explanation still hurt though. Badly.
During those four years apart we had huge changes in our separate lives. I had blocked him from my mind during those four years. Something I had never been able to do before.
I wouldn’t recommend numbness or not processing loss to anyone because last year it all came back with a vengeance.
I was having serious problems in my relationship. I wanted out. I wanted to get back “to me”. Call it a midlife crisis. I wanted answers.
Through a course of what I call bizarre occurrences, or what romantics call serendipitous events, we reconnected. Again.
I wanted to know why he had dropped contact. I was curious about where he was in life. Did he ever think of me? All the corny stuff.
Oh I wish we never opened that door. He told me he wasn’t happy. I told him I wasn’t either. Before we knew it we were in a full blown emotional affair.
It all came to a head when I separated from my partner and bought a plane ticket. I was scared. I feared he would just disappear. Again.
He assured me he was broken up with his girlfriend. Told me she wanted marriage but he wanted me…Do you see where I’m going with this? (Go ahead and judge. I beat myself down about it every day.)
I knew something was wrong. I was in denial. I told him I wouldn’t go to him under the circumstances. I didn’t want to go out there only to find I was “the other woman”. He got upset and said we would be platonic if I didn’t go.
It only took me 1/2 a day to put my fears behind me and tell him I was ready. I wanted to try. I would fly out.
HA! I was told he had to stay with his partner for financial reasons; he asked for “space” from me. I felt like an idiot. I was confused. I felt “played”.
I tried to communicate. Oh how I tried. That’s what people do when they care right? When you’ve had such a long history with someone; a bond, you want so desperately to believe it’s all just a misunderstanding…
It got worse. So much worse. They began managing down my expectations. Avoidance. Calling me drama when what I wanted was respect. The truth. From them. Even though I was staring at it the whole time.
I got mad. Angry. I dropped contact after explaining my feelings repeatedly.
Three weeks later he broke no contact and apologized. Said he wanted to save our friendship. I caved. How do you say no to someone you cared about for so long? I wish I had said no.
Conversations were about the day to day shit. Contact became less and less. I told him several times to keep things platonic; don’t say you miss me, etc. He even asked me to reconsider flying out. I flipped. No. He was still with the girlfriend.
I felt gross and used. I kept things at a friend level but he’d still say shit that would affect me. Like a test. It was like the sickest addiction. That’s how I feel about it now.
Come to find out he got engaged to the girlfriend. He never told me. The last time we spoke I confronted him and he said, “Not everyone marries for love”. Wtf? I was reeling. I hung up.
He sent me an email saying he was sorry right after the phone call. He said he wasn’t trying to hurt me. Could the salt be rubbed anymore in my wound?
Oh I sent him an email back. Nothing crazy or dramatic but told him our friendship was over if he couldn’t respect me.
What happened next? No reply from him. Nothing. Disappeared. Again.
What’s the moral of the story? Sometimes you are better off listening to your gut than anyone else. Also, never throw away your self-respect over a “chance” with a “soulmate”.
Am I still hurting? Bitter? To an extent. But mostly I’m angry at myself for letting it all happen.
And maybe that was my karma. Or just my answer.