i wish i could have talked to you. i wish i could talk to you now. i don’t know what for though. it’s probably for the best that you don’t talk to me….not that i’ve tried to contact you recently. i don’t know where i’m going with this…i suppose that’s why i’m writing it in the first place. i just want to send it out there and think maybe one day you’ll see it.
i don’t think it is right for us to not be in each other’s lives after everything we’ve been through. we’ve helped form each other’s view of the world for so long that i find myself confused sometimes……and i realize that without you there next to me nothing really makes any sense.
i hope i haven’t permanently ripped you from my life but if that is so then this confusion is the least i should suffer for the things I’ve done to you.
i left because i had come to hate myself so much, because i could see what i was putting you through and i couldn’t stop it. because i couldn’t see any way that my leaving wouldn’t benefit you. because i couldn’t understand why you hadn’t ended it.
from what i understand you are doing well and that makes me happy. i wish i could pick up the phone and call you and listen to you tell me how you are doing. to talk on the phone during thunderstorms on warm nights like we used to…..way back in the very beginning.
i don’t know if that is something we can ever have again, if it is something you would ever want again….i fear you never will, and that is the worst feeling.
i’ll probably keep typing these out, i guess this is the 3rd or 4th now.
just thinking of you
just like yesterday
just like tomorrow