Dear…..I don’t exactly know who this is directed to…Friends? Family? Society? Not sure but I will stick with loved ones and those interested,
It’s currently 2:41am EST. It’s like The Princess and the Pea. As I lay here there is something bothering me. I can’t quite pinpoint it either. I find time, time again that I tell myself: I am not happy. No heavy emotions attached; just a simple statement.
Simple. That’s kinda a funny idea to put with ‘I am not happy”. It is far from simple; utterly mind boggling! I’m going to cut this short; there have been events in my life that have probably helped lead up to this conclusion but there’s also an emptiness in my mind and body where there should be satisfaction. I’m living, but not yet. Will I ever truly live? Young adult and I don’t even know who I am. I live for others expectations, I compare myself to my siblings; I’m no where near where they are at….not even my twin. I feel like I’ve taken the road less traveled and it was a MISTAKE. Or it’s my mistake that I don’t live for myself. I don’t even know how.
I want to die. BUT I’m NOT suicidal. Well, that’s what I tell myself. I’m not actively participating in any for of self harm. Been there, done, that, there are pros and cons to what went on but I’m over that…I think. At least what I’m trying to say is the personal actions I have inflicted do not interest me anymore….I just still fantasize ways that can end me.
I wish illnesses upon me. Traumatic events. Near death experiences. It’s so sickeningly backwards…and twisted, I know. I’m not proud to admit this, but I have to get it out! I can’t tell this to anyone. No one seems to understand and I’m afraid of the assumptions and judgement I will get from unwanted people. I want to be normal but it’s so damn hard! People are here helping me and it doesn’t motivate me how it should.
I do want children and a happy family (hopefully with a husband who’s around.) It looks like it’s hard these days to accomplish that. That’s what keeps me going. I want to bring happiness to new people in my life; people who are hopefully guaranteed to STAY in my life. I promise I’ll be a good mom. I just don’t know how to find my way there….
Thank you for reading….