We met for the first time in my small college dorm room. I was a naïve 20 years old, and you were the mature experienced 25 year old veteran. I thought you were so sweet and so charming because you remembered a silly comment that I had made about how much I loved fresh fruit and brought me an edible arrangement. It was the sweetest thing that anyone had ever done for me. We watched a movie, and just spent some time talking. You made me so nervous – not because I was intimidated by you, but because you were so charming. You asked questions about me and about my past, and you asked what brought a small town New Hampshire girl to Chicago, and you teased me when I skirted around the issue, but you let it go.
The next time I saw you, you came over for a movie again – but instead of watching a movie you kept trying to get answers out of me, you slowly got things that I would rather not have talked about, things that I had barely talked about with my best friend. Things that I kept buried away because I was ashamed, and afraid that you would see me for the damaged goods that I thought myself to be. We had talked for weeks before we met, and I didn’t say a word about any of this.
As far as I was concerned these are things you don’t talk about until much later into dating – the fact that you were pushing for it was astounding – but you wanted to know, so I told you. I told you about the boy that I had thought myself in love with cheating on me, and the boy that I dated after I thought my heart to be broken. I told you how he treated me, and made me believe that I was nothing, that I was not beautiful, that no one would ever love me. I told you how he would push me around and that once I thought he even cracked my ribs – but that no one ever knew. You sat there with this expression on your face, you looked disgusted, like you didn’t want to hear anymore and that you were seeing me exactly how I saw myself – broken, damaged, worthless. It never occurred to me that your disgust was not at me, but at the man who had broken my down and made me feel like nothing.
I couldn’t say a word and I couldn’t look at you. All I could do is sit there with my head down and my hands in my lap. I had laid all my cards out on the table for you to do with what you wished, and it seemed that you were about to throw them back in my face – all I felt was shame and a small twinge of anger that you had pushed for my story and were about to just brush me aside as the broken and damaged girl that I was. When you finally spoke I flinched, sitting there in silence your words were a far cry from what I had imagined they would be. You told me that I was beautiful. That anyone who told me different was lying and had no right to be in my life. You told me that any man who could treat anyone, let alone someone who seemed as sweet as me. It was all I could do not to cry, when I finally was able to look at you all I could say was thank you.
That night started off a wonderful friendship that eventually bloomed into one of the best relationships I have ever had thus far in my life. I couldn’t tell you when it actually happened, when I actually fell for you. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and even with how open I had started to feel I could be with you I was afraid to tell you. I was afraid that it would change everything. That somehow it would scare you away.
After we were together for over a year I finally trusted you and loved you enough to feel that I wanted you to be my first. You understood where I was coming from in life and I felt such a strong connection to you and I knew it was right. My virginity was something that I had fought so hard to keep until I was ready, and until I knew it was going to be special. When you asked me if I was sure I knew it was what I wanted. I thought we would be together forever and that this right.
Little did I know that it would change everything.
At first nothing changed, but as we got deeper into our relationship and as I told you how I felt about you, you started to pull away. At first I just thought we were going through a rough patch, then we started fighting. You never hit me, but I was always afraid to make you angry because for the first time since we started dating I wasn’t sure. I started to feel like you didn’t know me, like you didn’t want me anymore. All of the old feeling of being inadequate and damaged came up and I tried to battle them down, but with the way things were between us it seemed like a losing battle. When we broke up I felt like I would never be whole again. I finally started to feel better and then the phone rang.
You were in Vegas and having a great time for your birthday with your friends, and you thought you’d give me a call. I hung up on you, and cried. The next night I started to get angry, and I called you. You asked me how I knew – I was dumbfounded – how did I know what? You asked “how did I know that you had won the lottery”, and I had had no idea. The next day you called me and told me that you were sorry and that you needed a friend with you. My heart was torn in two and I didn’t know what to say to you – I was still hurting. I guess after you won the lottery you went a little crazy and your friends left you. As hurt and angry as I was I still loved you, and couldn’t handle seeing you hurting, you talked me into flying to Vegas to spend the rest of your birthday with you – when I got there you begged me to take you back. I tried to resist – for my own good. But then you told me that you loved me.
You said the three words that I had longed to hear for our entire relationship, and my resolve crumbled. I took you back and we had a wonderful, and fun filled weekend in Las Vegas. Then we got to the airport to go back to Chicago and I felt you pulling away. A week after we got back you had broken my heart again.
Now we are “friends” because I love you too much to not have you in my life. You still continue to break my heart, but I know now that I can love you, but I can’t trust you. The thing that finally betrayed my trust was the night that you used me like a cheap whore. That night almost killed me, the only reason that I am standing here today, a confident and happy woman is because I have amazing friends that would not let me fall back to where I was. Friends that hate you and cannot understand why I still love you. How do I explain that you have my heart and won’t give it back? How could I ever explain that you have stolen a piece of me that I will never regain? Little by little I am healing from the broken trust, and the hole in my heart, there will always be a hole, but you will never have another chance to fill that hole.
Someday, you will realize what you have lost and regret it, someday you will understand what you did and still do to me. I only hope that it doesn’t hurt you as much as it has hurt me. I would never wish this pain on another – ever.