• Today

    by  • April 1, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 7 Comments

    I went through my letters on my computer and found one I wrote while in exil. It was more thoughtful than what you could expect from me now. My head is in bad shape. I thought about sending it, but I new then as I know now that it would not made have sense. I also made something for you and threw it away. It does not make sense, when you know how someone thinks. I hate that I see so much.

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    7 Responses to Today

    1. maybe
      April 2, 2014 at 6:18 am

      I don’t know you but I know someone like this. Let me ask you this and you can just answer in your own head if you like.

      Ultimately, do they accept you as you are regardless?

      In your opinion, would sending them that letter make the situation better or worse and why do you think so?

      My point is this: because you alluded that you haven’t been thoughtful “recently” are you worried you’ll confuse them or are you just afraid of looking “stupid”? Are you sure you know how they think, because THAT could be the problem right there. In my case I have a good friend and they think I’m angry or whatever but in actuality I’m hurt. Speaking for myself I would have gladly taken a confusing letter or handmade something ( and know they cared) rather than indifference.

      Don’t know if this pertains to your scenerio but I hope things get better for you.




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    2. author@maybe
      April 3, 2014 at 9:20 am

      “Ultimately, do they accept you as you are regardless?”

      Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know if they know me enough. Maybe they have a wrong perception of me, because we did not spend much time together. It would be interesting to find that out. At least I would love to show them the real me and they can decide what they think of it – no matter how it turns out in the end. But maybe they already made their decision and it’s too late anyways.

      “In your opinion, would sending them that letter make the situation better or worse and why do you think so?”

      What prevents me from sending this letter is that it won’t show them enough of me to notice how I think and as a result I’m not convinced that it is a good idea at all. Writing is not my favorite way to express myself, simply because my thoughts don’t go to the paper unfiltered. I’m no poet and I will never be able to capture my thoughts in a way that I would be confident enough with the result (maybe it’s the conflict between heart and logic). I know that there are people who are able to do so, but I’m not one of them. I could talk for hours and make a video out of it, but I can’t write, because what I write will be changed and changed and changed. I don’t know if it would make the situation better or worse. Let’s assume that it could make things better for a short moment, this would not be enough though. I don’t want to send something just to be accepted. I don’t want to send an “application”. I want an honest interaction where both sides can say what they think and find out what they want. After our complicated history they prefer to keep me at distance and make their decisions after they gathered all “facts” about me, I guess. Although I can understand how they think that’s something that irritates me. They were always nice to me and I was so sure that I could tell them everything and that I could trust them and somehow I assumed that it would be the other way around too. But, this was just my own perspective, because I did not realize how I changed their perception of me with my behavior. They got suspicious and sarcastic and can’t blame them, but it hurts to see that.
      “because you alluded that you haven’t been thoughtful “recently” are you worried you’ll confuse them or are you just afraid of looking “stupid”?”
      I think I already confused them and I also already dared to look stupid, so these are no things I’m afraid of anymore, but I don’t want to make things worse and meanwhile sending something is no option anymore because of their own choice (so as a result I should just stop thinking here, but somehow and sometimes I thought, that they were not serious and I can’t just forget them). Actually I was never really aware of their feelings (yes, there were signs, but I don’t like to assume things) and as a result, I always thought of the worst. I thought maybe they were only nice to me, because they thought I had feelings for them and did not want to be unfriendly (Although I always felt a connection that was not to explain logically.). These were my thoughts for a long time. Then the situation changed and within an instant (probably because of a previous letter from my side) I felt like they saw me as the one who needed to prove my feelings, while they assumed that it was always clear to me how they felt. My reaction (It still applies, because I still have problems to believe it. And that’s only the short version): Hey wait!? I feel it, but I can’t believe it. Is this really happening? Well, okay, it is real, wow, okay, wow… No… Or is it real? But, no … Do you expect me to do something? No… I told you… Well, maybe I need to do something, wow… But what do you expect? You can’t be serious… Well, I let the thought settle in. I made something. Then (and while doing so) I thought, no, it is ridiculous. What am I doing here? No and no matter what I do now, it will never capture what I feel or how I felt and it won’t be my way of showing how I feel. I don’t want to let this sign be the sign you take as a measure for how I feel. And if I did, it should come naturally and not this way and now. It is not natural, when you follow instructions (and when the hormones and everything else is making you crazy). You make a fool of yourself. I also made half-hearted attempts to get in touch with them, but they were more embarrassing than anything else and as a result they perceived it as me making fun of them, I guess. I don’t think that I could prove my feelings from a distance at all.

      “Are you sure you know how they think, because THAT could be the problem right there.”

      No, I’m not sure. My perception changes with every mood swing, because I’m emotionally unstable right now and the only thing I’m sure about is that I’m not sure about anything anymore. Sometimes it gets a bit better and the old perception comes back and I miss them as I used to miss them. So to speak, no matter, what I do and how I convince myself that it is no good idea, in the end I will always miss them. It is so sad, but at the same time I ask myself, why. Why does it have to be sad? I don’t get it. Because, if there is something, why being sad about it? But this doesn’t answer your question…

      “In my case I have a good friend and they think I’m angry or whatever but in actuality I’m hurt. Speaking for myself I would have gladly taken a confusing letter or handmade something ( and know they cared) rather than indifference.”

      I’m absolutely not indifferent about them. They are a part of me and will always be, whether they accept it, no matter what or if something happens, no matter if they want to see it or not. But as I said, I think it is ridiculous to send them something now, because it will never show what’s really going on inside of me. It will never be enough and I think (especially now) they would rather get sarcastic than anything else.
      So this was a longer response and I think it did not really help me with my situation. Actually your question made me cry, because I feel so lost and right now I can’t imagine what this means and how to get over this, but maybe (hopefully) it helped you. Don’t give up easily and give them a real chance, take your time to listen to them and don’t wait, dare to tell them how you feel, don’t be too careful and confront them directly. Let it settle in and do it again, if necessary. Always keep in mind that not everybody is good with love letters and grand gestures. Not getting something like that does not mean that there is nothing. If it is still not, what you wanted to hear and if it is not enough for you, then move on. I don’t know, if my advice will help you and I also know that giving advice will bite you in the ass (see my second comment), but I give it anyways;)

      Thank you and good luck to you too!




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    3. author@maybe.part2
      April 3, 2014 at 9:26 am

      Ellen DeGeneres, Tulane Commencement Speech, 2009 “Don’t give advice. It will come back and bite you in the [butt]. Don’t take anyone’s advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.”




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    4. maybe
      April 3, 2014 at 11:42 am

      Hi author. Are you a perfectionist by chance? Overthink things so much you end up exhausted and do nothing instead? This is just my opinion but you are not under any pressure except what you choose to do to yourself. I get the feeling you are too hard on yourself and care so much you are paralyzed and worried you are going to flunk a huge life changing test. This may be futile, but please try to relax. If this person really cares, they will see past all this anxiety and what not and still be there. If not, it will be okay too. For a moment imagine worst case scenerio. Say you give them something or tell them something “imperfect”? Are they going to mercilessly ridicule you? Are they going to say, ” gee thanks for this thing you made me but it sucks”? Seems to me they are hurting if they think your reaction has been non-serious, etc. What’s that really about anyway? Some kind of preemptive strike against pain? Socially “awkward”? (Sarcasm or making a joke= deflection of uncomfortable or unfamiliar emotions). I get it. Everyone is fallible. No one is perfect. You are fine. They are fine. Maybe you guys should just stop “freaking out” and maybe you’ll see there’s nothing to be so stressed over.

      Thank you for your thoughts regarding my situation.




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    5. author
      April 3, 2014 at 1:28 pm

      Thanks, maybe.

      Maybe I’m a perfectionist. Maybe my person is one too… Yeah, it must seem so. I think they bring it out of me. Maybe they like it that way. And I can’t relax easily, because they are making me nervous…

      I can’t give them anything, because I’m sticking to what they told me. But to answer your question: “Are they going to mercilessly ridicule you? Are they going to say, ” gee thanks for this thing you made me but it sucks”?”
      No, they won’t say anything. They will tell me that I should stop this and they will indirectly ask me why I dared to talk to them…

      “What’s that really about anyway? Some kind of preemptive strike against pain?”

      I don’t know… You should ask them or maybe you can tell me? Maybe a test, if I’m what they expect me to be…

      “They are fine.”
      Are they? How do you know? Who are you?

      Thanks for your view! It shows me how crazy I already got because of them and that I need to decompress.




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    6. someone else
      April 4, 2014 at 8:22 am

      @maybe

      You give very practical advice. Oh, and… “Gee thanks for this thing you made but it sucks.” Haha!




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    7. maybe
      April 5, 2014 at 4:07 am

      @author, no not “Them”. I’m just empathetic. Didn’t mean to make you question yourself even more.

      @someone else, I try. I said I was empathetic, not tactful. Ha!




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