• To the love of my life

    by  • March 28, 2014 • Letting Go • 0 Comments

    I wish this was an exaggeration, but I have thought about you since the moment I first laid my eyes on you over 11 years ago. Do you remember our first kiss? I don’t think any one moment has ever taken my breath as quickly as or as passionately as that moment.

    We were just kids when we met. I find it absolutely absurd that I am nearing my 30’s and can’t seem to shake you, or miss the thought of your face. You know what bothers me even more? That I wake up at night from dreams about you in a cold sweat, and I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept peacefully in years. And I’ve tried everything. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s a sign from God that I should stay away from you, but I can’t tell you the last time other than looking into your eyes outside that cold November night that I remember feeling so at peace with anything.

    There are some days that I don’t regret my decision in leaving you. I know that it has done phenomenal things for myself, my health, and my family. I have gotten rid of most of my bad habits, I am more active, and all the important aspects of my life are okay. I have money, I have a savings, and, ultimately, I have a future for myself and my beautiful baby.

    But do I have love? Am I with someone who loves me unconditionally, that doesn’t make me feel like a piece of shit on a daily basis? Have I been able to kiss the person I married the way that I have kissed you… ever? Or the way you kissed me that night? No, not really. And that’s not your problem.

    You and I have had a history and a habit of making it each other’s problem. We find love, unconditionally, in one another. I don’t think I will ever, in my entire life, love another human being the way that I love you. And I wish with my whole heart that I could say loved, as in past tense, but I don’t. I still love you with every single breath that I take. I think about you nearly every day. I go running and you are the only thing I think about besides my aching muscles because they match my heart. Where am I running to? What am I doing? When I run back, am I going to where I want to be? And would running to you fix everything? No. But I wish I just knew.

    Most days I feel like the most awful person on the face of the Earth. I struggle with this every day. It has been many years since I have gotten drunk but I haven’t gotten through many days without having a drink before bed just to try to numb the memory and get some sleep – which doesn’t happen. I miss her. And I miss you. I have missed you since that night that you won’t talk to me about. You won’t talk to me. Do you know how much that kills me? The fact that you can look at a woman, and kiss her, and give her some sort of hope that her life may actually have meaning after all… you turned a woman back into a little girl – and her entire life upside down with the gentlest kiss in the world, and then ignored her. The most amazing, gentle, perfect, mindblowing, sensual kiss, that has not left my mind since it happened.

    Am I a joke? Was I some sort of a phase that you were going through? How is it that I am the only person that can look past all of our circumstances and see you and me for what we are? Am I crazy? Maybe I am. Maybe I’m selfish and want my cake and eat it, too… but that’s not it at ALL. I just want to know. I just want answers. You got drunk, and you spilled your heart out to me, and then nothing. Months go by and no word. Why? Did you get caught? Did you feel like you were in over your head? WHY? Why, after all these years, do you still do this to me?

    It bothers me so much every day. And it hurts. It is the only thing in my life that is capable of hurting me the way that it does. I get told what a piece of shit I am on a daily basis, how I am essentially garbage, how even though I work as much and as hard as I do, and how good of a parent I am, and how I work my ass off at everything that I do, that I am STILL not enough. You would think that hurts, right? It doesn’t hurt nearly as much as you do.

    If I knew she would be taken care of, I would run away. I would run away so far, and not tell a soul where I was going, and stay wherever I was until I finally found peace. My soul is dying. I don’t think I have ever been this miserable in my entire life. And all I want is to see you. How awful is that? All I want is you. To hear your voice. To hear you tell me that it’s all going to be okay. Because when you say it, I actually believe it.

    I’m fucking crazy. I’m so crazy. Tell me I’m crazy. Tell me that it’s all in my head, that this never mattered, and just let my head and my heart rest. That’s all I want.

    I hold onto this for no reason. There’s this little piece of me that honestly believes in fairy tales. And then I open my eyes, and I look around, and can’t believe the mess that I am in.

    I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done. I’ve never meant to hurt you. If it’s any consolation, out of everybody, I’ve hurt myself the worst.

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