We met in the summer. Studying theology and science, I instantly knew you and your gay twin brother were going to be my friends. The two of you seemed like such genuine, beautiful people, and you were. You still are. The three of us hit it off and we became the best of friends during that week. I was deeply saddened when the time came that I had to leave you two. I told myself I would not lose touch and luckily you only lived four hours away, just a short days drive so I could visit you both. You had a girlfriend, soon to be ex-girlfriend. I remember doing a happy dance when I realized you were single again and shortly afterwards you started talking to me more and more. We told each other everything and loved each other’s general company. Our views were one in the same. We talked and enjoyed every bit of silence that would occasionally come when we didn’t know what else to say. It was our dream world. When your twin brother told me that you really liked me and I knew I felt the same, I rejoiced. I love mutuality. You are my ideal person, so I was even more overjoyed when you asked me out in that lovely little coffee shop with all the windows. We met in the middle of our two cities, which happened to be a very small town. Both of us knew it was a date but we were too shy to name it one. Eventually at the end of our short outing I built up the courage and asked you if you were currently dating anyone and you said you weren’t sure (because you weren’t sure if you were dating me). Then you finally asked and I went home that day feeling the most happy I’d been in such long time. You were my best friend. You told me you loved me and called me beautiful and showed me off to your family and friends and enthused about me. I did the same in return. I would wake up full of laughter and warmth. I thought you were happy too. I thought all was well until I went up to see you.. we had dinner and you told me you were bisexual. Of course I loved you regardless and supported you but this filled up my thoughts and I had a gut feeling that something was very wrong. You said you weren’t sexually attracted to women. I asked if you were gay, (twice actually) which would have been fine but you needed to tell me so that we could end things on a good note. But you said you weren’t and that we didn’t have to break up. That everything would be alright. I believed you. I had complete trust in you. Then a week later you told me that my whole trip was basically a lie. That You are gay. You had known for a few weeks. We both cried for a few hours over Skype and left it at that. Why couldn’t you say it to my face when I asked? Why did you also leave out the fact that you were madly in love with some man in California? A man who you said “I love you” to even we were together and you were saying it to me. If am your best friend why the hell did you treat me this way? I thought I was okay. Well I’m not. Not at all. Two days after we split you entered a new relationship. With him. With your California man. The one you’ve never met. The one you met on Omegle for Gods sake. I feel so torn, because I loved you fully. I know you cannot change who you are, that’s clear. And I love and accept all people and fully support equality, but there is no excuse for the way you lied to me and led me on for so long. It would have been no different had you been telling another woman that you love her. We had such a wonderful friendship but now I am feeling regret, something that I never want to feel about anything. You keep saying nothing in our friendship has to change.. Are you oblivious to the fact that I am miserable? Your apologies are hollow. I’m sick of you. How you victimize yourself and feel sorry for yourself. For how you say you completely understand why i’m angry. For how you say that you don’t understand how I was so committed to our relationship. For saying you hate yourself. For saying that you’re worried about my well being. For saying I am your ideal partner except for the detail that your gay. For saying that you couldn’t tell me because of how happy I was. For coming to me about your boy troubles (FYI. Your boyfriend is kind of treating you like you treated me. You are a hypocrite.) When I was going through this at first you said that for what it’s worth you still love me and that you are here for me. We both know that’s quite nearly impossible. You also said that maybe I will learn not to get so attached to my love life next time..that hurt. And again with the hypocrite thing because your boyfriend has been ignoring you lately..and you feel terrible every day because of it. This is because you are attached. Just like I was to you. I think about all of this constantly and it’s literally driving me insane. I will always love you in a way you can never love me. I am too sad to explain and as I sit here writing this letter that you will never read, I feel so many emotions. Sad about what have could been, angry at how I was treated, longing to be with you, confused, selfish that I feel these things. It’s been a long few weeks of trying to cope. I now realize that life indeed does go on but mainly I just want my best friend back despite all that has happened. I want to go back to when we first met. I just really loved you and never expected this, I am left still confused. Deep down I know that whatever friendship we have left will never be the same as it was, and so I will just keep living.
Sincerely, Love, Me.