I know exactly where I was a year ago today- and I could never have imagined how different things would be.
Tonight a year ago you bought me dinner, sang disney songs to me while I sat next to you at the piano and pretty much melted on the floor, and then we stood outside my apartment and talked for hours about things you had never talked about with anyone else. About a year ago I almost fell in love with you. A year ago you kissed me under the stars, and I saw fireworks for the first and only time since. A year ago, we both cheated on our significant others. Since then, I left my boyfriend and we have both moved on and are good friends. Since then, you have cheated on her multiple times and are still together and have told her nothing.
In the past year, my dad has been given a year to live, and yours is still in remission. The only communication we have had since that night is you asking me for naked pictures, and sending suggestive snap chats back and forth. In the past year, I traveled across the world, and have grown in ways I never could have imagined- and I’m almost positive you are still in about the same place you were. The last thing you said to me was a text that said “In this house… Like cancer ;)”. I wish could convey to you how inexplicably sad your ignorance is to me.
Over the past year, I have thought of our time together- and the things we shared nearly every day. Some days were in anger, others in lust, others in longing. Recently I went over our correspondence, and I have no doubt in my mind there was something real there- and that I had definitely not made anything up. Over the past year, I have secretly hoped I would run into you everywhere I went or something would spark what I had been missing between us.
Today I saw you. I looked up and it was actually your car and you were behind the wheel. And I felt absolutely nothing. No butterflies, no panic, no fear, no elation, no giddiness, no nervous giggle, no anger… simply nothing. And in that moment I realized- the person I have been yearning for over the past year doesn’t exist. He may never have existed- but he was what you showed me. I’d like to think that is who you want to be, but regardless that doesn’t mean that’s who you are. We made eye contact, smiled and waved and I wished you luck as you drove by.
It finally hit me today, that no matter how badly I want what we had- it can never happen. And I don’t mean that because you are probably going to marry her (poor girl), or because you have been a terrible person, as I have been telling myself. But instead because it was a few moments in time, and as soon as I left your car that morning, it was over. And that doesn’t make it any less genuine or real- but it still needs to be recorded and shelved as a time in the past, nothing more, case closed.
I have absolutely no idea how often you have thought of me or that time over the past year- and at this point it doesn’t matter one bit. I am beyond happy to say that I nothing you, and though it has taken me a year to get there, it just makes the nothing that much more complete and awesome.
Goodbye mate, I am turning the page and hope we never cross paths again.
P.S. Karma’s a bitch- good luck with that =)