• Ash

    by  • March 25, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 5 Comments

    Who said I wanted you to save my life? And then, how dare you throw that in my face as if I actually owe you something! How dare you pull any of that crap on me that you did, and then get upset when I finally have enough. I thought you were someone different, and you were. But you’ve changed, and I just can’t deal with it any more. Believe me: you have yet to see me overreact to anything. I’m perfectly aware of where I am and to what volume my actions are speaking. And everything is in its proper proportions.

    Do you have any idea where I put myself that night? Where I have put myself now and where I am at? I am barely standing these days, as if I’d actually admit that to you. Everyone else is blinded in one way or another, and that doesn’t exclude you. We’ve both fallen so far away from where we used to be: from where each of us wanted to be. I can see that as clearly as this screen right in front of my face in a darkened room. And neither of us have the motivation or the aspirations to get there. As much as I miss your friendship and company, we can no longer be of use to each other. That’s why I left without a word. If I tried explaining any of this, I wouldn’t be able to get half of my point across and you would just get defensive.

    Go ahead: tell me i’m wrong. You’re allergic to change. It pisses you off, and perhaps rightly so. I’ve made my decision, and you appear to have moved on. So I’m not even going to bother trying to bring old wounds to the surface by contacting you to explain anything. Hence this LINS. And this letter you’ll never see. I don’t know what else to tell you. Yeah, I do miss you. And I need a friend these days in the worst way. But I can’t take back what i’ve done. I can’t go back to where I was. I’ve too many reasons against it, including one that I dare not mention, not even in an anonymous letter.

    Just know that I keep you in my prayers and I sincerely wish the best for you.

    5 Responses to Ash

    1. BFF!
      March 26, 2014 at 8:07 am

      This is nothing you would want to hear, but your LINS sounds like it is chalked with your own brand of “narcissism.” All of these “I, me, and my” statements; it kind of sounds like a bunch of self victimization talk/prose. It’s in essence similar to, or the same thing as saying “you did this to me,” or ” you didn’t do this for me,” perhaps even “your actions made me feel this way.” Seriously, save yourself. If you don’t want saving, than don’t accept it, or be grateful for the salvation. Perhaps if you would have a little introspection, than I’m sure it wouldn’t have come up for you to have had “enough” of it. Than again, I’m sure you feel “entitled” to either receive without gratitude, and or are unable to assert a prescription for your own issues. There’s no doubt about your awareness pertaining to “your” actions, and the volumes to which you exercise them… I’m sure they’re true to form.

      It sounds like you’re further asserting other people are blind and nobody can understand you… Although, I’m sure the onus should be placed on other people to understand you and your feelings… Heck, I guess anyone should see your point and understand it: those dumb blind people, even the fool you wrote this LINS to. Hmm, when will they learn to see it your way… shucks!

      With all that negative premise, I agree with you. How could you motivate yourself, let alone anyone else that you would assert to miss. However, you’re right, parting ways unceremoniously i.e. “leaving without a word,” is a better way for “you.” Walking away the chicken shit way is better than telling someone how you feel or what your concerns are, this way you can deprive the parties from learning or growing from the experience… Good for you; great way to handle situations and life! Besides, you yourself said each of you are no use to each other…. I mean come on; isn’t everybody a means for a “use or to be used?” What was I thinking! I need to learn your way of seeing people and the world!

      Whatever the case, be glad the other party has moved on. As you said, they would just become defensive anyway, it certainly would never have anything to do with your personal approach style. Surely, you couldn’t be one to project your ideas of how other people see and react to things. Besides, why should they tell you that you are wrong or allergic to change, it’s the same as saying “who asked you to save my life anyways?’ I mean come on, “You are the way you are, and I’m sure you must like it that way!” Bravo Sister! I like the way you operate!

      If you ask me, and I know that you didn’t ask, but…. why would you miss a person who can’t conform to you and your needs? If you can’t use them, or I should say, have no more use for them… who the hell cares anyway? Walking away from someone “without a word” or an explanation to the other party communicates it all by saying: You don’t matter enough to me to give you an honest reason or explanation, you didn’t meet my needs and gratify my happiness to keep you in my life. You should have read my mind better…. (I would have thought your way would have been a passive aggressive approach, but maybe not… I kinda like the sadistic flare; a little punishment to boot! Yeah sister! You go girl!) I have no idea why you would pray for this person or wish them well since they are of no use to you, let alone your time to communicate with them directly…

      Since I know you need a friend, and everyone is so blind from your point of view, perhaps we could be friends if you deem me of use…? What do you say? Or did I not see it your way? The only think I need to be sure of is that I don’t try to save your life, don’t expect gratitude, be of use to you, and never defend my own way of thinking… and, if I fuck up, than I know you are going to leave me too without a word. Check! Got it! So, with that understood, I too need a friend in the worst way; where do I sign up? You are the best!

    2. K
      March 26, 2014 at 12:53 pm

      Well my friend just came into my office and told me to read this. She too has had the identical problem as I have with a friendship_ relationship going south. Of course we met outside of work months ago at a place I’m not going to mention. I think that her relationship has lasted way longer than mine. I also think she has more anger. Whatever though. I’m sure we will all go out for Happy hour and talk about it later, but I’m not sure if I can handle it right now. I have been on here a handful of times when someone I know tells me something note worthy, but all these letters tend to look and sound the same after a while. I can’t believe I’m responding now. The person who I would think this is,- for starters doesn’t have the initials ASH, and neither do I, but more importantly, the person I know wouldn’t bother to even get on here.

      I didn’t save any life, and I don’t feel that way, might have been the other way around. I’m not sure. Sorry if it came out that way. Yeah I agree things went in different directions. Funny part was that I thought we could have worked it out. Winners always try to work it out, or so I’m told. What a waste of something that had so much potential. For a while, I vowed not to give up, but the pain of such mean spirited rejection was so intense that anger was the last way for me to cope. I can tell you, you have no idea what it’s like to be all alone in a deep dark shithole. If you do, than I’m sorry.

      Personally I hate giving up, so I’m not, I didn’t. I just had to pick up and move on, and I’m making things work. As for my person, I know it can’t be you. They have already moved on to a permanent fixture after a few mishaps, or so I hear. I hate hearing anything anymore, it’s never good, so I just stopped listening. Besides, my person didn’t miss me when they left, they tended to be more cruel plus they didn’t just cease contact. I would have enjoyed it more that way. Though we don’t talk anymore anyway.

      I don’t know what happened in your situation, but I didn’t think mine was beyond repair. This is only the second letter I have ever responded to, other than having composed one, but this will most likely be my last. After you read them for a while, they can be either false hope or a curse. I’m sure its not the last one I hear about.

      Good Luck

    3. agree!
      March 26, 2014 at 3:07 pm

      I can relate to bff. sounds like someone I know. don’t worry they always leave you hanging when you have nothing left to offer

    4. Ash
      March 26, 2014 at 6:27 pm

      I don’t know if I’m the same Ash… But yes I’m insecure at time and I make mistakes. I own up to all of those. All I want is honesty and that’s why I seem so defensive , because I’m not asking you to “protect” my feelings. I want to hear how you really feel , even if it hurts.

    5. S
      March 26, 2014 at 7:16 pm

      Maybe the writer of this letter already told their friend how they felt, what hurt them and also acknowledged their part or flaws and such friend didn’t do shit about it. So yes bye bye, just saying it’s no secrete that some people hold people back, cause more harm then good, so why continue to subject one self to toxicity?

      These chemicals just don’t mix well.

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