To the child I’ll never meet,
I want to start off by apologizing to you. I let you go on a Friday evening, March 14th, 2014. I truly cannot even begin to express just how deeply sorry I am. I still think about you every day. I cry for you often. I wish things would have worked out differently. I failed you completely and I understand that now more than ever. A mother’s job is to protect her child at all costs and yet, I not only let somebody come in and harm you; we paid them to. I never understood how someone could grieve over somebody they’ve never met but I find myself grieving over you every day. I grieve because when I allowed your life to be taken away I allowed a part of me to be taken, a huge part. It’s weird how in so little time I grew so fond of you, so attached. It may be hard to believe now but I cherished you and everything that you were… everything that you could’ve been. I loved knowing you were there with me. I loved knowing you would love me. I loved day dreaming about what your voice would’ve sounded like, what your favorite color would’ve been, if you would’ve looked more like me or your father.
What I did to you was so disgustingly selfish. I knew if I brought you into the world my parents would have taken me out of school. My life would’ve gone from full time college student to part time student at a community college. The thought of being taken out of school as well as disappointing my family terrified me. I would’ve been the youngest to have a child out of all my relatives. Your father already had a child, a girlfriend, and a career. I did not want to be the bitter, angry, black, single mother. I did not want to bring you into a world I’ve only just begun to figure out. I was not in any way equipped to give you the things you would come to need. All of those thoughts about myself and my life, all of those selfish thoughts.
I daydream now, daily, about what it would have been like to keep you. I could’ve given you life, the greatest gift on god’s green earth. I know I would’ve done anything for you. I find myself regretting the decision I made. I wonder what I could have done differently. I wonder where our life would’ve gone. I didn’t even give you a chance. Everyone should have a chance at life and yet I took yours away to save the comforts of mine. In my heart you will always be mine. You will always be my first. I will always love you dearly.
To the child I will never meet…I am missing you tremendously. I am missing you every day. I will forever miss you every day.