• I Will Carry You…

    by  • March 24, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    AJD,

    I can’t seem to get you out of my head. No matter what I do. I’m married now, and we’re trying for a baby. I’m happy where I am. My husband and I have several cats, we have good jobs, we live in an apartment in a suburb of a big-ish city. I’m happy. I love my life. I have so many books! And I have tattoos. And I have a great life.

    Yet every once in a while, I still go on your facebook page and try to know you once more. We’re not even friends on facebook. But still I look you up. Still I want to reach out to you… to talk to you… to know you…

    I can’t seem to let you go. It’s been over five years. But I still think of you. I see guys who have similar features, a similar jawline, a similar hair style, similar eyes…. My heart aches.

    But why? I love my husband. I love my family. I love my friends and my life here. I enjoy my job. I’m almost done with school. I’m looking at moving out of the country. I’m incredibly happy!

    When someone walks by who has the same scent as you, my heart breaks a little more each time. Every time I smell that scent, I look around to find you. But it’s never you. And I know that it will never be you. You’re nowhere near here. I doubt I’ll ever see you again.

    From what I’ve seen on facebook, you’re married now to a very pretty latino girl. You even have a beautiful daughter! I’m really happy for you! I’m a little bit jealous of your wife, but I’m so incredibly happy that you seem to have found someone that you love and are loved by. I’m happy that you’ve built yourself a life, and you look like you’re doing well for yourself. I’m happy that you look happy.

    I don’t know if we ever would’ve worked, you and I… But still I wonder. Still I yearn, still I miss…

    I don’t intend to leave my husband. I love him more than words could say. But I still love you, in the deepest, most secret spot in my heart. And I think he knows that. I don’t keep secrets from him. And I hope he knows that.

    Do you still think of me? Do I ever cross your mind?

    I want to let you go, sometimes… But I cling to the memories of you. I remember the music video you made for me. I wish I still had it. I still listen to that song and cry. I listen to that song and I’m filled with longing.

    I know that I wouldn’t be where I am today if we had stayed together. And I’m happy where I am. I hope that you’re happy too.

    I miss you, though. I always will.
    RIN

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