• Gone Always

    by  • March 22, 2014 • To You • 0 Comments

    Well I am done. I woke up and didn’t think of you before my first cup of coffee for an entire week. First time in years–the first few, grateful thoughts of you, of the night before making love, or the day we had ahead, or just blessed…turned into a year of worry over your depression, confusion by your push and pull, and lately, just down right neglect, ungrateful, mean, verbal rants.

    And you said you’d come talk to me in a few weeks about “us”…as if I should just wait…another what 11 more months? Three more years? To find out how you feel, why you didn’t hold onto me during the dark but I hold onto you, why you do or don’t love me, can’t express emotions, can only manage a happy birthday text after all of :us: and all I shared with you–I looked at that text, and thought you are such a little self focused piece of shit. What a monster. What an asshole. you never ever will be able to extend yourself …to anyone. No matter what I do, how long I was patience, how much I loved you through the dark–I am worth “happy birthday” at 3 pm…fuck you buddy.

    I no longer give a shit to hear your talk about us. Quite frankly I don’t want to see you scammer around, shaking, and dodging the real issue or emotion. Once endearing is not annoying and weak to me. You are right; you suck at this.

    Am I bitter? yep. Angry? yep. Did I make excuses for you? the absence after the miscarriage, the boundaries you put us in, the things I settled for–pretty angry but more at myself.

    I knew you were beautifully broken.

    Saved only by the wind.

    I can only be me, whatever that is–Dylan.

    Take care. One day I know you’ll regret it all deeply and I will regret ever staying.

    You were careless with me. Selfish. And used me. So take your glimmer of hope and give it to someone who wants it.

    Your uncertainty about me–that you eventually project as anger for asking–“NO I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU” is weird, dysfunctional and emotionally unavailable to the highest degree. After three years I will never ever ask you again to tell me if I matter. IF I mattered, you would have never had taken this path–it’s the path of I am safe no matter what…and love, takes risks, and courage. You can’t say I don’t want to feel scared, hurt or vulnerable so I am going to cut off these feelings..when you do this , you cut them ALL off including love, happiness, and joy…you are a cold stone monster now…heartless, selfish, depressed and simply no longer worth saving. I did more than I should have…and you did as little as possible.

    So find someone else to hold onto without ever holding onto them…someone else you don’t want to lose, cant let go of but cant be with…someone else who is going to buy this crap.

    : ) None of it was real. You never acknowledged it. For months that made me hurt, then for years it made me angry, now I just want to get the fuck away from it before I waste another three years on a man who cant love, cant give, and takes, takes, takes what he cant ever give in return and holds onto me with one small pinky of a promise, a whisper, a glimmer of hope–and for what? For a man who is depressed, mentally ill, an avoider, can’t communicate emotions and is self focused and unable to provide to me the unconditional love I give him…are you kidding me?

    This is us. I finally faced it.

    We are, were and always will be empty and nothing.

    Always Baby

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