• A decision to change the rest of my life

    by  • March 21, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    I watched Bridegroom today. What a heart wrenching story. What an amazing couple to have their lives torn apart by such a horrible tragedy. I cried through 90% of the movie. Reminds me life is too short. Don’t live a lie…

    I do feel like I do…live a lie everyday…a bit. You and I, what we have or haven’t had…been so undefined for years…has been so important to me. It has given me hope, when I felt I had none,
    Laughter when I thought I wouldn’t be able to smile again…companionship like I have never had…and A love I miss terribly each day.

    It’s been over a year since you walked away. I can admit that you made the right choice, because we could not continue as we were. The more time I spent with you, the more I wanted you all to myself—a totally unreal possibility. Unreal or impossible is a better term. We both belong to another…followed the rules we were raised with, lived by the wishes we thought were ours. I only ever wished to be loved and have children. I found that with him. And he and I well we have had our issues…still working through. There were times I couldn’t see past the clouds, I was stuck in the despair of the never ending fighting and anger. You were always there, my rock, my need, my vice, my want, telling me that I am strong enough and I deserve more. So many times I wanted to tell you that the more I wanted was you. It’s always been you. And I truly believe that you have known so and accepted that fact as much as you would allow yourself too. You tried, I’ll give you that…you tried to hold on as long as you could. So did I. But things became too real, we became too invested again like we always did. I became possessive, ugh and I hate myself for it—I often think I I would not have confronted you about the text that day we would still be…I would have you In the capacity that I have always had you. So close but so far away. We would be talking, late night phone calls, early morning “hello sunshine” mid-day breaks with you calling me to serenade me with a country song. That’s all gone now. For over a year. A lifetime of love still exists, but has not outlet because you choose to walk away.

    You choose to walk away because we are both taken…both have kids an lives so tangled in normalcy that to give credence to any of the feelings that exist between us any longer would allow for them to be public to a point and grow stronger like wild and unruly wildflowers. Without abandon and restraint. Strengthening every time I heard your laugh—ugh that laugh melts me every time. The fact that you are so unwilling to accept how completely adorable you are, modesty at it’s best, makes me want to grab hold of your charm and put you in a little box and wear it like a cloak of warm forever. You are in so many ways my warmth, my light my sunshine.

    But you walked away bc it was getting too strong again. I can openly admit that was an issue for me. Living halfway in the lie and the truth. Too much. Two girls, married girls,
    In love, without a means for full disclosure and expression.

    I could choose you…sometimes I think I would choose you. If you’d only ask. Be brave and admit. Accept. You must find it hard to hold back and ignore—but ah wait. That’s the reason for the silence, the walking away, the abandon.

    I knew that this unconventional love story would never ever have a happy ending. I always knew you would be the one to leave. My heart remains a bit empty as your absence in my life is greatly felt.

    I know it has to be this way. I know you’re scared and acting out of fear. Fear of how you feel towards me.

    I will always love you and need you. Always.

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