I don’t thank you for what you did, but I am glad that it happened. I was naive, trusting, and oh so in love, and you took advantage of that. It was my first love and first heartbreak and I was never going to be ready for it, I am sure nobody ever is, but I was completely unequipped for the brutality of it. I think anyone would be.
I don’t thank you for the brutal way in which you caused my first heartbreak and how you made me lose trust in myself, my family, my friends and everything that I thought I knew, but the lessons that I learned from my experience are invaluable.
I have grown up and matured enormously in the last year and I have learned some harsh, but necessary truths that my amazing, but sheltered, life had not yet taught me. I was going to have to learn them at some point, maybe not in such a shocking way, but equally possible, in a more shocking way.
I have learned of my emotional limits, I have learned of my personal weaknesses, and I have learned of my emotional fragility. But I have also beaten them. Because I reached rock bottom, and have come back from that I now know that I have huge personal strength and I have learned that the only person I need to conquer my problems, is me.
I have learned how easy it is to lose yourself in favour of someone(you) or something(depression) else. But I have learned how to get yourself back and how to stay true to that person. I will not lose or change my core personality in that way again, because I have learned how damaging that is.
I have learned that trust is amazing, but it should not be given easily, or worse, faked. I have learned that the only person you can truly trust is yourself, but that there are other people that can come very close, and these people are so special and the ones to hold on to.
I have learned about true friendship and the value of friendship. I have learned that after years of distance in favour of someone else, a true friend will not hold a grudge, but be there when you need them, this is again, invaluable.
I have learned that to define yourself through somebody else is wrong. And whilst I am, and always will be, capable of loving people completely and above myself, this does not mean living through only them. The peace I have found in living my life for me, and not somebody else is priceless, and something that I will never sacrifice again.
I have learned to love my own company, not because I have had to, but because I have chosen to. I forgot how much I love my independence and this is something that I will hold onto at least partially, forever, no matter what future relationships I may have. Personal space is something that I never thought that I would value, but it is such an amazing thing to enjoy.
I have learned that you cannot force loyalty and you cannot force trust in friends or in a partner. I have learned that to spend your life trying to control somebody is not something that I want. I know not to waste my time and emotionally drain myself worrying about someone being disloyal, or dishonest, or hurting me, because if they do, they were always going to, and I can’t change that. I have learned to be trusting until I am given a reason not to. If I am given a reason not to and cannot forget this, then never again, will I fake it or force it, especially now I know I am just as happy on my own.
I have learned that I am much deeper than I knew anybody could be and I have also learned that this is okay and actually makes me a much more empathetic and intuitive individual. But ultimately I have learned to just chill, and simply enjoy what is there in front of me because that is how I have fun and love life. It is nice to know that I have it in me to express feelings like I am now and more importantly, identify with my own feelings, but I don’t have to dwell on them.
I was never insecure until I met you and have remembered that I am a happy, confident, fun loving person. And I have learned to not let anybody else’s actions or opinions let me forget that, or make me feel any differently about myself. To be naturally confident and happy is a gift, to loose and regain it, is an achievement. Too be 100% sure that you can prevent yourself from ever being anything other than happy or confident again, is the prize.
I have learned the value of forgiveness, not forgiveness because of love or desperation, a fear of letting go, or loneliness, but true forgiveness. Finding contentment with things and people that have hurt you and finding a silver lining is something I have discovered to be priceless.
I have learned not to judge others but now know the qualities that I cannot compromise in any of my relationships – romantic or not. Loyalty. Kindness. Empathy. These are qualities that I will always strive to keep myself.
I have learned that jealousy and hatred are damaging to those who feel them, and to those to whom they are projected on to. No matter how much someone behaves unacceptably, or is unkind or upsets you, or just does something that you don’t like, it is important to remember one simple thing: everyone is fighting a battle that you know nothing about, so be kind.
I have learned that I am so blessed. I am strong, I am loved, I am beautiful in various ways, and most importantly, I now know how to be the only person I need to make myself happy.
So I don’t thank you for the pain you caused, but I thank you for the journey that it set me on. It has been the most challenging obstacle in my short, sweet, life, but it has been a journey that has bettered me astronomically and a journey that could not have been achieved without that pain. And it is a journey that is now complete and I never need to go on again.