I’m about to make myself extremely vulnerable. Please choose kindness with this information. Have you ever needed to tell somebody something without the need of reciprocation, validation or response? I hope so because I’m about to.
I want you to know that when I first reached out to you, my intentions were purely focused on finding a musical partner with a female voice. I actually found the fact that you were so good looking sort of novel, like how cool would we be with a sexy, beautiful vocalist to visually draw people in before we won them over with our badass music? Answer: extremely cool.
We had our first meet up and although I was taken back with how much we had in common, I was just excited to start our project. Looking back, I think I excused myself because I sensed how dangerous you are for me.
I began to notice the next day that I was thinking about you a lot. I didn’t know what to make of it at first, i just assumed that I had met somebody really neat and it would soon pass. It didn’t.
We met again, I was just looking to help you get your mind off of things. I want to assure you that my intentions were pure. I remember having to literally shake my head because I got so lost in your eyes. Things got noticeably more difficult for me after that. When I hear from you my heart just soars and I can’t help it. I find myself counting days until I can talk to you or see you. Crazy right?
For the first time in my entire life, I fell in love with somebody over a few weeks and I’m not sure what is more terrifying, that I fell so hard for you in a matter of weeks or the realization that I had never felt this way about anyone, ever. I’m probably more shocked than you are while you read this absolute madness.
I’ve done a lot of reading about this sort of thing because It’s so incredibly difficult to go through alone. It’s been very hard to understand how somebody could feel so strongly about another person. I’ve tried really hard to come up with something, anything to help me understand why I’m being tossed around like a rowboat in a hurricane. I don’t really have any answers but I can share a story. Please bear with me.
A few months ago, I was loading my groceries onto the conveyer belt at the supermarket, oblivious to my surroundings when I began to notice the tone of voice had changed between the person in front of me and the clerk. It was a middle aged african woman with tired eyes and she was giving back some groceries. I looked and could see “lunchables” and some other meals that were clearly for her kids lunches. She insisted that she would pay for what was left on the conveyer and would be back to pay for the rest, she swore she would.
I wanted to spare her pride, it was obvious to me what was happening. She wouldn’t be back so I told her the roads were icy and took care of the groceries. All I can tell you is that when she thanked me, the sincerity was real when I looked at her eyes. Sure, she was embarrassed but she needed those groceries.
I hurriedly paid for mine and quickly got to my car and I just cried. I’m the kind of guy who does this like once a year, maybe, if that. I joked about being a wuss but that’s only because I find it amusing to say so. I sat there and was overwhelmed because I was so glad I was there. There just seemed to be a lot riding on that moment for her.
If I was 1 minute earlier or later, we wouldn’t have had that exchange in her moment of need. I could have chose another line, picked up a few extra items but no, I was able to show some compassion that just seemed to be all too rare in her life. So I cried out of gratitude (I know, this is a lot to see in a person over 2 minutes but I tend to be right about these things). I thanked god, asked him to bring me more opportunities like this and drove home.
I didn’t think about this again until you said something that sort of tied these two experiences together for me. “I hope someday, somebody loves me more than a shark loves blood”. Maybe I’m grasping for straws, perhaps there’s more to this than I will ever understand. I just hope that if one good thing can come out of the pain that I’m feeling is that you know that somebody does Lauren. I love you more than a shark loves blood. They say that people tend to achieve what they believe they deserve. I just wish that you could see yourself the way I see you. Now that would be something.
I need to disconnect from you for my own good and emotional well being. I’m not trying to come across as some martyr, I’m not trying to shake the tree or place any blame. I might be tempted to say that I wish that I never had these feelings but I don’t. I hope you can genuinely believe that I had to say this for my own good. My heart already feels a hundred pounds lighter. I had to tell you this.
Thanks for spending the time with me that you did. It may not have seemed like it but it meant the world to me.